Changes
by Oceanonis
Summary: It has been five years since the battle at the Star Forge. Five long years for Revan to heal the damage the Galaxy caused and to become her own again. Five years for Carth to try and forget the woman he once loved. But did either truly know one another? A new, more personal, danger looms in the darkness of their past.
1. Waiting - Chapter 1

Waiting - Chapter 1

Fuck this bar. This band needed to take a long walk off a short space dock, second hand instruments and all, and the bartender should hurry up and die of "complications due to alcoholism" or whatever the nice way to said he drank himself into a stupor he never woke up from was. Upon review, after my first five minutes waiting, I realized the band, though not good, were at least honestly trying their best and thus did not deserve my ire. However the bartender, an over large Twi'lek man, had been staring at my cleavage for four minutes and thirty seconds of the five minutes I had been here. He deserved every bad thing that happened to him in his shitty life as far as I was concerned. Might be my fault for wearing what I was but I didn't care about his opinion.

I was looking for a beat up orange jacket on a brown haired man. I didn't actually know if that is what he is going to be wearing. I had not seen Carth in five years, with our luck of getting into trouble involving explosions I wouldn't be surprised if that jacket had been gone for a long time. Our luck… Hadn't been our luck in a long time. Just his luck and mine. Separate entities of fate, maybe mine was the bad Karma and he had had no close encounters of the exploding kind since I left. Good news for the possible survival for that ratty old jacket. Bad news for my continued existence of not getting blown up.

I got another drink from the creep manning the bar and this time payed extra to not get stiffed. What is this world coming to when you had to pay extra to get a decent drink. I needed to keep my wits about me, but if I didn't drink this one I thought my head might explode from the bundle of nerves telling me to run. I had not been this exposed since I became a target for the Gar'un. Which I still didn't understand the reason why assassins were attacking me every time I go to ground. The only way to stay safe is to keep moving. After this most recent close call on the Outer Rim I decided I finally needed back up. I couldn't just walk up and expect him to drop everything and fix my problems, but I could get information from Carth. He was high enough in the Republic Fleet that he had access I need to take the fight to this crazy cult. Being encircled in the Republic High Command meant I didn't have to worry about his safety either. If these guys could infiltrate a Battle Cruiser or Space Station to get to him then they were more powerful then I imagined and we were all screwed anyway.

But, thats not the only reason I need the drink to steady myself. The words I said when I left keep playing in my head. "I will be back soon" is the most egregious of the lies I spoke that day. Though not everything was a lie. When I told him I loved him, when I told him it was more important to help start rebuilding the galaxy then it was to come with me, those were not lies. But everything else was. I couldn't tell him the truth. He would have either, not let me go alone, or he would have started to hate me. Hate me like I had started to hate myself.

We had had barely any time together. After what Mission refers to as "The Beach Kiss", we flew up to the Sky Forge and ended the war. We were both beat up pretty bad and needed Kolto treatments, which lasted awhile. Then it was a nonstop barrage of bureaucracy, Jedi Council bull shit, and Republic Command pomp and circumstance. We were hardly ever alone and the council was always watching. We both wanted time to figure us out and that is the one thing we were never given.

We resorted to stealing moments together. An hour in the garden where no one could find us, touching and tasting. Fifteen minutes behind the stage at another damn ceremony, Carth knew how upset I had been. He wrapped his arms around me from behind supporting me without reservation. Letting me steal his strength so I could go and face the thousands of eyes watching, eyes of those that probably had friends and family that I had murdered or lead to their deaths.

That last night before I had left I had slipped into his room around midnight avoiding my "protectors" the council had set at my door. I woke him up as I entered and raised a finger to my lips for him to be silent. Surprise had been evident on his face until I had started to take off my clothes at the foot of his bed. Then there was an entirely different expression. Desire had clouded his eyes as they burned their way down the path my hands had made removing my robe. Neither of us said anything, we didn't have too. We both moved together meeting in the middle of his bed with a searing kiss. We explored each other all night, finally not caring that the Jedi would know I had broken another one of their sacred tenants. All I wanted was to be with Carth. The morning had come to quickly. As he had looked into my eyes lying tangled in the sheets with light filtering in my heart started to break.

One thing had been made abundantly clear. Carth couldn't stop saying was how glad he was I wasn't Revan. Not that I had changed, repented, or made amends. Not that I had learned from my past mistakes and saw with clear eyes the pain my previous path had wrought and decided to do what was right and good. No, he insisted that I simply was not her any more, a different person. Insisting that there was nothing left of the darkness I could feel seeping up within me. Carth wasn't in love with me, he was in love with the figment of imagination the woman I was before I regained my memories. Cassi.

Nursing my drink, waiting for him to walk through those doors, I realized I want him to be angry. The nervousness I felt is not for the anger that is well deserved, it is for the possibility he still cared for me. The woman he loved is not real. And if he still loves her what hope is there for me? I had factored in the nerves when I contacted Carth originally. Nerves and awkwardness were expected. We were adults and it would be fine. Unless he was planning to arrest me. That could be a problem.

What I didn't factor was the pain in my chest the second I saw him walk through the turbo lift door. He hadn't seen me yet which was good. I was obscured on the other side of the hated bartender, who due to my studious disregard had shifted to only ogling me half the time. That gave me a couple seconds to watch him. I needed to be calm for this. I couldn't let him see how vulnerable he really made me feel.

He still looked good. He was out of uniform and I was sad to see no jacket but the long brown flight jacket and darker olive brown mechanics pants suited him well. If you completely disregarded his military bearing, the way his eyes scanned immediately for threats and alternative exits, and the fact that he was carrying two heavy blasters with an aura that said he knew how to use them, you could believe he was just an average guy out for a drink on his night off at his favorite on station dive bar. Then our eyes met and it felt like I had been hit in the chest with a hammer. He looked away first, motioning with his head to a booth in the corner. Good defensive position, I should not have expected anything less. I threw back the rest of my drink with a flourish and flipped the glass around as I set in on the counter. Here goes nothing.


	2. Seeing - Chapter 2

Seeing - Chapter 2

This is probably going to be worst day of my life. Walking up to the doors of this bar I came to this realization. Nothing good can come of anything after I walk through these doors. She is not salvation anymore, she means trouble.

Up until now the reigning worst day was about a year ago when at the urging of Dustil I went on that date with the doctor from the research deck. It was after that date I that finally accepted what those around me had known to be true for years. She wasn't coming back. Sad thing was that it wasn't even a good date, much to the Jenny's palpable disappointment. Going through the motions though brought me out of a place I had been hiding inside for a long time. That night when I got back to my quarters I got shit faced drunk threw things and dissolved into some serious self-loathing. But then an amazing thing happened, I started getting over it. It stopped hurting as much every single day to just exist. I recognized that I should probably not be dating for a couple more months, but that sometime in the future I could see myself being happy again with someone. It's a hazy faceless someone, but it was no longer her or nothing. Sure I am different person now. Mission says I'm sharper then I used to be. Or "less rounded edges" she usually corrects me when I complain about it.

Then that god damn call came in last night. I thought it was just Dustil since it was late and coming through on my personal channel. It was blocking video though when I answered it and only allowing audio.

"Onasi here."

"Carth?"

It couldn't be. There was no way.

"Please don't hang up I need your help."

That voice. I had never heard that voice from her before, she was afraid. Really afraid.

"Where are you? What's goi-"

"Stop Carth just listen for once. I don't have a lot of time and they are probably tracing this since they know I would want to contact you. I need everything the Republic knows about a group called the Gar'un. Meet me at the cantina on O Deck tomorrow night. 11:00"

While she had been talking I had started tracing her call just as she probably knew I would. It was coming from a public port down in maintenance a couple decks even below O which were basically the slums of the station. One of the few benefits of being a station commander, I quickly entered my access code and over rode the camera nearest the access point. I could see her. After five long years I could finally see her. She was under a hood and I could only really make out her hands as she manipulated the controls of her screen.

"I need you to explain exactly what is the Hell is going on Cassie"

In the view screen, I saw her draw back the terminal and pull one hand to her face.

"Thats not who I am any more. My name is Lark, not Cassie."

I couldn't help the hard edge of my voice as I asked "Not Revan?"

There was a pause on the screen. I started trying to feed directly into the access point camera. I needed to see her face.

"…No not Revan either."

While I was looking for that other view point there was a burst of static and a loud bang from her line. My gut clenched, my reaction to her being in danger was never going to change it seemed.

"Shit, I have to start running again now"

"If you are in danger let me help you! Come to the top of the station we will figure this out!"

"Want to help me? Get me information; I am flying blind on these assassins after me."

I finally accessed the view screen. My camera activated as I did but I didn't care. Her washed out blue silluete was staring at the entrance to the hangar she was in, concern written on her features. She saw me when she glanced back and there was a look of consternation to her features I had never seen before. She obviously hadn't wanted me to see her.

"I will be there."

Her shoulders slumped in relief. Why would she have ever thought I wouldn't help her? What wasn't she telling me?

"I… Just… Thank you Carth."

The relief in her voice was palpable, but she seemed like she had been about to say something else. Why would she think I wouldn't help her? Wouldn't even be willing to meet or listen to her?

Another, louder bang, came through the audio. She surveyed the door and turned back to the view screen and to me and gave me that half smile I used to do anything for. But there was something different about it. About her. There was no sweetness in this smile. Just mischief, humor and something hard behind it. A darkness. It had become the smile of a predator.

"Promise I won't damage your station too much in the meantime. I mean it still needs to be intact for our first date tomorrow night. These assholes are good but they are cockier then Canderous."

Then she winked at me. The damn woman winked at me after being gone for five years. What was more surprising was when she took out a grenade patiently cooked it for three seconds at the station, set it down on the console, and then did a marvelous acting job at pretending to only just now see the three cloaked figures approaching her and took off running as fast as she could. With almost preternatural timing the grenade went off just as I saw the first robed figure pull even with the camera viewer. It was perfect.

"Transmission ended"

I laughed at that. The computer had a way of understating the situation. I would have a hell of a mess to clean up in about fifteen minutes when the information crawling up the chain of command finally alerted me there had been an accident on station. Then I realized what she had said before she blew up the view screen. "Our first date." What did that mean? This wouldn't be a date! She was in trouble this was me helping her. Besides our first date had been… It was… Taris? No you can't really call hiding in a slum and running through a ghoul infested sub-sewer system any type of date environment. It hit me, we had never been on an actual date. How had I never thought about that?

I was still thinking about it when I was trying to figure out what to wear that night which was ridicules. I almost called Dustil to ask his opinion. I almost wore that stupid orange jacket she told me so long ago that she liked. The only reason I kept it was because of her. Maybe that was not as good thing as I once thought it was. The long brown coat I wore when I wanted to be anonymous on the station would have to due.

Some date this was going to be in this dive though. The music was terrible. I checked for alternative exits before I looked for her, old habits die hard. But then I saw her from across the bar behind a massive Twi'lek. This was really her. There was nothing between us but a few yards. Why wasn't I running to her? Why hadn't I already started shouting at her for getting herself into trouble. For leaving five years. Something in the way she just stared back as if she was expecting it made me want to do the opposite. I was in a contrary mood after doing research for her for the past 24 hours. Calling in all sorts of favors I could have used to the Republics advantage. I motioned to a table that was a bit more secure then all the others and went to sit down.

She didn't immediately follow. She stared at me and threw back her drink. I didn't think I had ever seen her drink before, but there was no doubt she was a pro. Then I was extremely glad I was already sitting down as she came around the bar. When we were on the ship I had gotten so used to seeing her in her formless jedi robes. Even though I knew she had a gorgeous body, I had felt every curve and loved the sounds she made as I played my hands over everything that had once been hidden away. No one could fight like her and not be in shape, but you kinda stopped focusing on it in her fighting gear. I was always drawn to her eyes, her mousy brown hair in that pixie cut, the way she blushed when I flirted with her.

When this woman came around the corner all rational thought left my mind. She was in a sleeveless skin tight dark brown canvas armored body suit with some kind of metal harness that wrapped around her shoulders and her waist. She had a blaster strapped to one leg, and either a large vibro knife or a small sword on her other hip. She had a dark green short half cloak around her neck but as she took the hood down I could see her hair. Her blood red hair, her extremely long red hair. To top it off were the gloves and the knee high ass kicking combat boots. No curve was left up to the imagination. It was jaw dropping. She used to be cute, even beautiful, and those things that made her so were still there, but with these small changes the difference was astounding.

She looked deadly. She looked dead sexy. It wasn't just the clothes though. Her walk, as she stalked toward him, was the walk of a hellcat. No one would be able to save him if she decided he was her prey. The danger that was exuding off of her just made her inherent beauty all the more alluring. He was a moth drawn to a flame and there was nothing he could do. Then he saw her eyes as she drew closer. Those blue blue eyes that reminded him of the ocean every time he looked into them. Those beautiful eyes.

She knew I just indulged in an extremely long look and there was that smile again. There was not any hint of a blush on her skin and there was a lot showing. She liked the attention and I was intrigued by that. Problem was just seeing her, especially like this just made old memories boil to the surface. Memories of softness of her lips and her hands brushing through my hair. My body was responding to her nearness like a drug. I wanted her. Right now. My mind interrupted the wave of desire with a healthy dose of weariness that had kept me alive during the wars.

This was not Cassie. The woman sitting across from me looks the same but she is different. But just who the hell was she?


	3. Meeting - Chapter 3

Meeting - Chapter 3

His square jaw is stoic and as I sit down I can see his brown eyes are stony not the warm brown I am used to. There is a question in his gaze. Something that goes deeper then just wondering about the assassins. Something I didn't want to answer so defection seems like its the best policy.

"So you going to buy me a drink?"

The surprise in his gaze was evident. "What are you having?"

When in doubt, flirt. "Something strong if your look is any indication of how this conversation is going to go."

Carth is looks taken aback again. But why? Why is it so surprising that I flirt with him. I guess this is unusual for us. Like I told him over vid, this is really our first date. And, I guess I am not nearly as … docile as I used to be.

"Sorry for staring, you look… different."

"I didn't say I didn't like it. Just that I needed a drink."

He finally smiled at that. "Very different."

"I'm glad you noticed"

Handing me a drink from a passing waiter and throwing the guy a few credits he observed. "Honestly, I think everybody in the room noticed."

"You know just how to flatter a girl don't you? Shoot right for the vanity."

"Its an easy target and, you know, I don't miss."

He leaned in as he said that last bit. His tone was soft and his voice sank into my bones. I missed his voice, even more then I missed that stupid jacket. It had a way of getting underneath your skin. At this point my goal was to get him into a dark corner and whisper anything to me. He could recite the bar menu as far as I was concerned and it would still make my blood rush.

"But," He said, leaning back and giving me an appraising look,"I am confused though. Why are you okay with people looking at you in the open? You are supposedly being chased by assassins."

"There are two answers for that, one is quite a bit more then you want to know."

"How about you let me decide what I want to know. Whats the first answer?"

I could answer this one truthfully. So with a sigh and a sip of my drink I gave the easy answer. "The Assassin's always attack in groups of three. I disposed of the most recent three last night-"

"I saw that it was impressive bit of timing"

I gave him a sharp look. I didn't know he had seen that much after he hacked the view finder. When I had seen his face on the screen. The first time in years, even washed out in blue it had made me angry. Angry that I hadn't thought he would be able to access the panel. Angry I underestimated some one, again. And angry that even that I couldn't maintain control over even this small conversation.

I gave him a sideways look, "Thank you. Anyway, they will have reported my location but the shortest amount of time that it takes another cell to attack is three day's. I'm fairly confident I will be fine here for a bit longer. Even if my hair is neon blue and I'm half naked."

He grinned at that. "Well lets hope thats not your next distraction ploy."

I couldn't help teasing him. "Carth are you saying you don't want to see me half naked? I am of half a mind to be offended."

He gave me a deep look. Like he was trying to read my face. "I know what you are trying to do."

I smirked and leaned in. "And what am I trying to do?"

Carth leaned back in as well. We were only a foot apart now, the small round table between us. There was a tension now, that wasn't there a second ago. "You are trying to make me uncomfortable. Trying to do what you used to do and discomfit me into admitting something I should be more guarded about."

"Thats not exactly-"

"No" He cut me off. "You never mean too, but you always do." He said the last a little reproachfully, but I wasn't sure if he was frustrated at himself or me.

"Well its not my fault you get a flustered when I tease" I started to pull away but Carth put a hand out and reached for my face. His eyes were warm again, that dark honey brown that glowed with feeling. I froze when he reached towards me. I didn't know what he was planning on doing but I very much so wanted to find out.

He reached and fingered a lock of hair that had fallen free of my loose braid. His hand barely brushed my temple but it set me on fire. So much for my well contained passions I thought I had a handle on. At that moment all I wanted to do was kiss him. Grab him across the table and forget all the reasons why I left in the first place. He twirled the strand of hair between his fingers and studied it.

"My comment referred to the fact it would be a shame to see you with blue hair. This color you have now suits you much better Beautiful"

"Now who is being disconcerting?" My voice was a whisper. He called me Beautiful. I still remember the first time he started using that instead of my real name. It made me feel warm. A bit of familiar banter coming back into this new and strange situation we found ourselves in.

He released my hair and leaned back in the booth and smiled smugly. "Your not the only one who has changed Cassie, I learned your tricks a long time ago."

The name was a slap in the face. I jerked backwards in the booth and I knew he saw my reaction. Confusion was apparent in his features. Concern was clear in his voice. "What? What happened? Did you see some one walk in?" He started looking around. Checking the room for danger again under the assumption I had seen something to cause me to react like that.

I didn't want to get into this right now. It was hard enough saying it over view finder and at that point he wasn't even looking at me yet. He couldn't see my face. He couldn't read the pain that was written on my face like a book.

"Carth…" He looked back at me at that. "Thats not my name anymore I told you that. Its Lark"

The confusion in his face lifted only to be replaced by something a good deal more dangerous, hurt mingled with a fair bit of suspicion. It was only a matter of time before he turned against what I was. Better I insist on my identity now then having him think I was some one else. Having him think I was still the woman he fell in love with five years ago. If I lied, if I said my name was Cassie, I knew I could have him back. Carth was good and true in all senses of the word. He could play the scoundrel, he had, well, for many years, but he had a heart of gold. He was drawn too the body of me but he loved the purity of Cassie. Lark, I, was tainted. I wasn't sorry. I was finally whole and I could never regret that. But I could regret losing Carth though. And I was about to again if he pressed this issue, if he realized what I was, who I was. But fuck this was Carth, so of course he was going to press the issue.

His gaze narrowed and his shields were back up. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a holocron. "This is everything the republic knows on the Gar'un and even some things that I managed to convince the Assassin's Guild to release. Apparently your pursuers have angered a lot of people and drawn too much attention." He slid the cube across the table but when I reached for it he grabbed my hand. I saw it coming but I couldn't pull away in time. I didn't want him to touch me, he was too much, too much of the past. But I didn't break the grasp of his strong fingers even though I could have. I both wanted him and wanted to run as fast as I could out of this fucking bar.

"Why? Why damn it? Why did you leave?" His voice was harsh now, a low gravely tone barely above a whisper. I didn't just hear pain in it I heard what I needed to hear. I heard anger, finally. What I told him now I just hoped he would accept. I took the holocron in my hand and he let me slide out of his grip. I looked into its blue surface as I spoke, I couldn't meet his eyes while I explained this I didn't want to see the hate and revulsion I knew would be there when I was done. I wanted to keep these past couple minutes alive a little longer.


	4. Goose - Chapter 4

Goose - Chapter 4

Her eyes were down cast. They wouldn't meet mine. I knew I was was acting like an idiot. Demanding that she answer, grabbing her like that, those were the quickest way to make some one run. Even if it was hurting to have her so near it would hurt more to see her walk away without getting some kind of explanation in return. She was building up walls as she pulled away from my grasp. It was easy to see. All traces of her beautiful simile had been erased and I could tell the was a rigidness in her movements, as she was trying to decide if she should fight or fly.

It was her name that did it I realized. She had looked so pained when I used it I had assumed that she had seen something to make her think the assassins were back. But no it was just me using her name, and she had responded the same way as she had on the vid screen I remembered. She had taken a step back even when I used it there. What did that even mean? Why did it matter so much? Why the insistence on this new name?

"No one really explained what the council did to me did they? Or maybe even when, or If, they did, no one would ever be able to understand it. Even you, especially not you."

The hurt in her voice was evident and I knew why. I should have been the one to understand. Above all of our friends I should have been there for her trying to help her get through… whatever it was she had needed me to understand.

"I had to get away." Her voice was resigned with that.

"Why?" I nearly whispered the words. There was something she wasn't telling me. I was going to find out what it was.

Her eyes met mine and they flashed with anger now. "They were making me a hero Carth! Me!"

I was confused again. I state I was getting used too in conversations with her. Or the new her. "I don't understand, you were a hero."

She laughed but the anger was still in her voice. "No I'm not. I caused the war to begin with-"

I interjected, I wasn't going to have this conversation with her, the same conversation we had had so many times five years ago. "That wasn't you! That was Revan who-"

"No!" She yelled and slammed her hands on the table bouncing the data holocron. A couple people looked over towards our table. She was half out of her seat but as she saw the looks she settled back down. I was startled by her outburst. I had never seen her like this before, all anger and fire. Just as quickly as she had gotten angry she started to cool, but there was a smolder behind her blue eyes now. She spoke softly now but with more force.

"No that was me. That was all me. Everything, the good and the bad. I started a Galactic War, I committed atrocities, I killed in cold blood and encouraged others to do the same."

"But you changed! You were not that person anymore. They understood that, we all did."

"That is what I am saying. They, you, everybody understood wrong." She put her head in her hands at that. Her hair fell over her eyes and her face was obscured. "Those memories came back after the battle. I lied when I said it was all flashes and bits. I was afraid of what would happen if you found out." She looked up at this and met my gaze again. I was silent. I couldn't speak, not when my brain was rolling with this information. Her back straightened as she continued talking.

"All of my memories came back. I could not just let the Republic foist glory and commendation on my shoulders when my hands were covered in so much blood. And then there was the Jedi Council. Praising me like a pet. Assuming like everyone else how huge of a success their brainwashed Sith Lord was." The disdain in her voice was evident. Before when she spoke of the council her voice was always respectful. Even when I had railed against them for their inability to break from tradition. This was just another change it seemed.

She stared into her drink and downed the whole thing."I can not be the shinning Jedi knight. I know I will always carry a darkness inside of me." I froze at those words. After all this she couldn't have turned to the dark side again could she? The waiter brought her another drink and she looked at me again. "And there is no way I could quit trying to put back some good in this world after seeing with clear eyes, my own uncorrupted eyes, the damage I have done to this universe."

"Clear eyes?"

"Cassie was an innocent."

Now I was the one almost flinching at her name. The way she used it in the third person. I guess "Lark" didn't notice because she continued speaking.

"She is what I would have been if I had not applied for Jedi training. She had the life I had often day dreamed about. Free and unfettered by the Jedi, making her own way in the world, falling in love. The council ripped the idea of her from my mind and put chains on the rest of my consciousness. And I will tell you it was not as painless as they might have led both of us to believe. Having people fucking around in your head is pure agony. Cassie was all of the best parts of myself. All of the things I wished I could be wished I could do."

"Stop." Every word she spoke about Cassie was true. But it was the way she was doing it that was grinding a knife inside of my gut. "You are talking about her like she is dead."

She closed her eyes. "No. Carth she is not dead. She never really existed."

"Bullshit." I wasn't ready to accept that. Who was the girl I fell in love with? A figment of Revan's imagination? She had to exist.

She opened her eyes, and shrugged. Why was she being so blase about this? "Believe what you wish. I guess she did exist for a year and a half." Her face became extremely serious. "I still have everyone of those memories. Living that life, seeing the evil the person I called Revan had caused, the understanding of why this was so wrong, in the end those are the things that have changed me. Knowing that the person I always fantasized I could be was horrified at what I had done in my previous life, well thats why I stayed out there. I can do more good to helping the people that even the Republic forgets then becoming a puppet of the council again."

She was so animated now. The care in her voice when she talked about helping, the disgust when she talked about the terror that was Revan and Malak's war on the Republic, it reminded me of Cassie. Even if she wasn't her, or was, there was something that was the same. Even when Cassie was going through Jedi training she felt so much more then other people. The good and the bad, anger and compassion. A thought hit me. What if he wasn't seeing Cassie in this woman but Revan? Through all of her changes could the base person be the same?

After she had gotten all this out it looked like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. It must have taken a lot of courage to get all of this out. To finally explain after all this time. And for once I started to understand. If all she said was true, the way I acted, the things I said, they would have just made everything she had been going through at the time so much worse.

"So what are you doing out on the rim?"

She leaned back into her seat and pick up her drink and smiled. "You would know Mr. Shoot First and Ask Questions Later that sometimes to do good that you need to be just a little bad. I can be that person for those that need it and have no one else. I got to depose a dictator on one world. Stopped a planet wide slaving organization on another. Trust me, with my rep, work doesn't seem to dry up, nor does there seems to be a dearth of evil people thriving on misery where no one can see them that need to be shot." Her voice hardened at that. It was a bit merciless, but I didn't particularly disagree with that solution. I was always a pretty straight forward guy when it came to scum.

"Seems like your making the right decisions with that, and with the Assassins. Taking the fight to them is the only way to get them off your back for good."

Laughing she said. "You don't have to sound so surprised that I make a good call about how to deal with my problems."

I smiled and finally finished my drink. "Sorry, I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't actually know you any more." The smile left my face and it was my turn to look into my empty glass. Trying to find answers to hard questions my head was raising. I quietly commented to my glass, "I'm not sure that I actually ever knew you, all of you I mean."

She looked sharply at me when I said that. I thought it would make her angry or at least sad again like my previous comments about our past had. For some reason, that seemed to make her happy. A full smile actually reached her face. The one that finally lit up her eyes with them.

"I am to hear you say that. I was worried you were going to insist I was wrong or that I could change back to who I was." She got up from the table then. "I think thats all the time I have I shouldn't tempt fate and stay on the station any longer, it might endanger you more then I want it too." I stood up as well and reached for her bag that was under the table. It was a bulky and heavy but she put it over her shoulder with ease. Something was bothering me still. Well a lot of things were bothering me but one thing made me the most curious. I opened my mouth to say something anything before she walked away again.

"Well I guess its bye then." And then she turned without allowing me to say anything at all.

"Wait." And again I reached for her arm. Not hard. I wasn't trying to keep her here and I knew she could easily break my hold. She looked down at my hand on her elbow. "Your real grabby tonight aren't you? You only bought two drinks, I'm not that easy honey." She was smiling though and she didn't keep walking away. I looked down at her face. "Two reasons. You said there were two reasons you took the risk to come here. What was the second one?"

A rainbow of emotions crossed her face as she looked up at me. Surprise, embarrassment, calculation and then finally a smile again.

"You really want to know? You won't like it."

I nodded grimly "I told you, let me decide what answers I want."

She smirked at that. Then still smiling but serious now as she walked closer to me. My hand on her elbow slid up her arm as she came closer. Her hand reached out and brushed my face lightly. I was caught in her gaze and everything else in the room zoomed out of focus in an instant. She brushed my hair back and curled it behind my ear. Her hand was fire as it rested on my cheek. She stared up at me, making me see her, all of her like she said, the good and the bad all at the same time.

"I'm not Cassie, Carth. I'm not Revan either. But every part of who I am was willing to risk everything to see you again. I had to see you. I couldn't stand it any longer. You were the best way to get the information I needed, but that was just an extremely convenient excuse. Its the most selfish thing I could do because you could be in danger now because of me. But I told you, I'm not exactly all good anymore."

Then she pulled my head down and wrapped her arms round my neck hugging me tightly. I was to stunned to do anything else. To stunned to pull back and kiss her like my entire being was demanding. To pick her up and take her back to my rooms and make up for all the time we had lost. My hand on her arm slid up to her neck, her lovely graceful neck, and into her hair my thumb brushing along her jawline. I hugged her just as fiercely with my other arm. This. This is what I had been missing for five years. Even as some one else there was something that drew me to her. Something that told me to never let her go. I wanted her to stay here.

As her grip slipped I loosened mine on her back and she pulled away searching my features. Fuck it I thought, consequences be damned. I pulled her head towards me for a kiss I needed desperately. What I did not expect was for her to duck out of my grip. She just dropped out of my arms and spun away from where my hand was still on her back. It was all very neatly delivered which made me think she had done that maneuver in the past, to other unlucky sods.

She was standing two yards away from me with a grin. "See you around Carth." And she turned and gave a little wave as she went through the door.

For a second I just stood there. Staring after her. What the hell was that? What the hell was any of this conversation? Had I really just tried to kiss a woman that we both agreed I knew nothing about? And had she really just ducked to avoid it? I needed a drink. A stronger drink. I walked over to the bar and the bartender came straight over which was strange, he didn't look like an attentive man.

"What can I get you?"

"Whats the strongest thing you got?"

"Oh did that pretty piece of ass ditch yuh?"

I gave him my most intimidating stare, the one I reserved for people I was about to shoot or new recruits "Watch what you say asshole."

The Twi'lek backed away with his hands up. "Alright alright, sorry sheesh. Trying to offer some manly solidarity. That bad huh?"

I took the drink he offered. "That bad."

His eyes narrowed at something behind me and then he looked back at me. "Don't look now, and mind you I am only doing this because your girl is smokin, but three dudes who have been checking you and her out while y'all have been here just slipped out right after her. You might want to drink that drink fast."

Three. They had to be the assassins after her. They were on her tail already and she thought she was safe right now. I got up and ran for the door. The bartender yelled at me about coming back and paying my tab but I wasn't listening anymore. I had to find Lark.


	5. Flight - Chapter 5

Flight - Chapter 5

That had gone so much better then I had expected. I had expected accusations, anger, aggression, other negative sounding words that started with the letter A. And I had gotten a little of that. But not nearly as much as I thought I would. And it was without the vitriol or resentment I thought would come with it. Then there at the end, it seemed like he was starting to understand. He said he didn't know me. He said he didn't think he ever really had known me. Which was great. It meant he gets it. It means he might not be in love with Cassie as deeply as I feared. Which gave me a chance. Not a big chance but a chance.

I couldn't kiss him though. Not yet. As much as I wanted too. As much as I could tell he wanted too. I wasn't ready for that. I could still fall back in that trap of my old life. If I let him kiss me it would be too easy to smooth over my rough edges and hide myself in the world where I loved him. I needed to be free. I needed to be out there is space having adventures. Anything different was a denial of who I was. Would Carth accept me as who I was with that little of a conversation? I didn't think so. I would come back, in a month or so when it was safe. I wasn't afraid of him any more. He had tried to kiss me hadn't he? Even after he had heard the secret I had been keeping for years. I could definitely come back.

I was walking down the hall making my way towards where the ship was docked, when my com unit buzzed.

"Tsornin here."

"Hey Cap."

It was Bara one of my oldest crew. I had pulled her off a slave ship on one of my first runs on the new ship and when it turned out she could shoot better then I could and was willing to hunt slavers for free I asked her to stay aboard. Along with Laura, Trev, Dontar, and Mishca who I had picked up in similar ways they were really the only friends I had made in five years.

"So how did the date go?"

"Well, nothing went wrong."

"Did you kiss him?"

I laughed "Why are you asking me that right now?"

"Its only that you were going on a date with the man you have been pining over for the past five years. I'm your girl honey I need to know these things about your love life. Which might I remind you has been pretty empty and therefore boring for me."

While this rant was going on I entered a elevator to get me off of O Deck. At this point I was just glad no one was getting on here with me so they would not be subjected to the loud rant that I was receiving about how I needed to get laid. Bara was pushy and loud and intrusive but she had kept me sane over the years while I struggled with a lot of shit. Her and Trev were the only ones that knew who I had been before I was running the outer rim. I loved them both for the support they had given me and the simple understanding that, though they couldn't completely wrap their heads around what I had been through, they would always support me.

I heard a muffled voice on Bara's end of the com.

"I'm trying to figure out if they kissed right now shut it so we can get some answers. So Mishca and I both need to know if you kissed him."

"Why can't you wait till I'm back on the ship for the third degree?"

There was silence on the end of the com.

"Bara? You still there?"

"You dirty girl, you did kiss him didn't you? And on the first date too! You minx!"

A soft voice that had to be Mishca in the back round yelled out. "Go Captain!"

I was sad for a second. I didn't regret not kissing him I just wished I could have freely without hesitation. I couldn't do that till I was sure he didn't think I was still Cassie. I don't know how I would be sure of that, but eventually it could happen.

"I didn't kiss him."

There was another pause. "Well screw him then you don't need him then cause if-"

I sighed. How to explain? And she would need an explanation or she would never stop bothering me about it. "Bara no. It wasn't like that he did try to kiss me."

"Try? What do you mean tried?"

I was a little embarrassed now. "I uh… I ducked."

A shriek from the other end of the com almost blew my ear drums. "You did what? You ducked? I have seen holo's of your little war hero, he is sexy in all the right manly ways why in the world did you duck?"

"I panicked! I didn't know what to do!"

"I have seen you face down Rancors and you panic at a kiss?"

Just then the lights dimmed on the Elevator.

"Bara hang on somethings happening."

The elevator slowed and then stopped. The dim lights shut off all together and the red emergency lighting came on. A flashing sign read in helpful yellow letters, "There has been a problem please wait for maintenance to reach you." But I had the sense that I was not going to be getting any help soon.

"Bara my elevator just cut out. Get Mishca to get into the station systems and see if I have a way out of here."

"On it." Bara was all business when it was an emergency. We have had enough close calls in the past to not take everything as a possible threat first and then wacky hi-jinx later.

I started feeling along the wall for a release latch of some sort. If I could get out side I could possibly get into one of the maintenance tunnels and then Mishca could direct me out. I tried to make my hand work slower but my inherent dislike of small spaces like this was making me panic just a bit.

A soft lilting voice was on the com now. "Mishca here. Captain, it looks like you can get out using a latch on the ceiling to the right of the door."

I gratefully found and pulled the latch on the ceiling opening a three by three foot hole in the roof of the elevator. If this is really just a malfunction I am going to feel really stupid when it turns back on in a minute. As I hoisted myself up through the hatch and onto the top of the elevator I heard muffled noises coming from the com on my wrist.

"Say that again?"

"Maintenance tunnel is dead ahead, right above where the door would be on the elevator."

"Got it."

Looks like it had a grate on it but I popped it off pretty easily with my knife. Shoddy workmanship down here, I should tell Carth about it next time I was here. I smiled at that.

"Captain, another elevator is coming up in the shaft next to yours. I'm reading three people inside. Could be nothing, could be trouble."

The fact Mishca could isolate life signs inside of a huge space station like this is why I kept her around. When advance warning of a threat saves your life more often then not a genius spiker like her was invaluable. I took a look over the edge of the elevator, and saw three black cloaked figures below me and rising fast through the elevator shaft next to mine.

"Yep its definitely trouble."

I took out my blaster and shot the cables of the elevator they were standing on top of. After a few shots the elevator stopped but didn't fall like I hoped. Damn these new safety features. The Gar'un started to climb the walls of the shaft. It was time for me to run.

"Mishca I'm diving into the maintenance tunnels now I have three Gar'un after me. I need you to get me to a place I can fight them… with out any one else getting hurt."

"Thats going to make it harder."

"Doesn't matter just find me a place."

All this conversation was had while I was literally crawling on my hands and feet as fast as I could. I was listening to Mishca giving me directions. A left here a right there. At one tunnel there was a 80 foot drop in a two by two shaft. My entire body resisted going down the shoot. It was too small. "Mishca is there any other way down?"

It was Bara who answered. "Man up Lark. They are right behind you you have no other option right now."

Fuck. I was starting to be able to hear them following after me. Hopefully this sucked for them as much as it did for me. I braced knees and elbows against the sides and started sliding down. It was fine till about half way down when my bag got stuck on a bent panel. Since it was cinched in around me it meant I was stuck too. I pulled and jerked but nothing was getting loose. Panic was setting in. Memories of the holding cell the council placed me in. The darkness. The fear. It all started to return. All of a sudden the piece holding me ripped and it jerked me back to the present which was good because I was now falling. Slowing myself down just enough so I didn't turn into a broken pancake at the bottom I hit the next tunnel.

"Good your at the bottom, should be a straight shot to to the place where you can get some room on these guys."

Fighting, fighting was good. But I was only ten feet from the shaft when I heard a thump from behind. When I looked I realized that these assholes hadn't slid down the shaft, they had fallen, and it didn't seem like it had hurt them much.

"Captain get out of there!"

I started crawling again as fast as I could. I could see an opening but there was a grate on this one as well. Shit. This guy was right behind me if, I couldn't bust through this with my weight when I got there he would have me. I could feel and hear him right behind me. His claws were out and if the poison got on me I was dead.

I crashed into the grate with everything I had and fell the four feet to the floor as the grate gave way thank fate. As I fell I was pulling my knife and blaster and when I hit the ground I rolled on to my back looking for the face of the creature after me. Expecting it to be falling after me rending claws first. What I saw was a blaster go off right into the surprised face of the Gar'un.

Carth, the person the blaster was attached to, looked down at me.

"You know upside down you are still the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on. And I'm not just saying that cause you saved my life just now. That would be rude."

He laughed. A real laugh this time. "Well, Beautiful, you are the best thing thats ever crawled out of a dank tunnel, so maybe we are even."

He held his left hand out and hoisted me up keeping his blaster trained on the opening. Standing shoulder to shoulder, I surveyed the room behind him while kept an eye out for more creatures coming from the tunnel. We were in a large chamber, about ten yards wide and twice as long, with what looked like some pumps and hydraulics along the edges running the length of the room taking up about a half of the width. At the other end was a blast door that I assumed Carth had entered through. This was a good place to make a stand. It would be hard for the Gar'un to flank me here. Carth needed to leave though. I turned to tell him that but he interrupted me finally taking his eyes off the tunnel when no other sounds emanated though the passage.

"You know at some point, I need to be thanked for saving your ass so many times" He said it with a grin so I couldn't be mad and gave my hand a squeeze. I had forgotten he was still holding it. His hands were so big and warm and I felt calluses from blaster training rough against my own as I laced my fingers with him and squeezed back. I smiled up at him turning my head to meet his gaze.

"Don't get cocky or you wont get anything."

There was a shift in his mood, he was looking at my lips now, leaning in towards me. I wanted him so bad, would it be the end of the world to have just one kiss? One kiss that I would regret, but I might regret more if I didn't kiss him. Who knew what could happen after I left the station. I leaned towards him tilting my head and a smile on my lips. I wasn't going to duck this time.

A loud yell echoed from my com unit. "Captain! There is another reading coming from inside the room!"

I sighed, inches away from where I really wanted to be. It was a reminder of where we were, the danger we were in. When I stopped moving towards him Carth let out a soft laugh and rested his forehead against mine. Maybe at some point I would get a kiss. It would not be right now. Mishca wouldn't let me just ignore her. I let go of Carth and stepped away, bringing my com unit on my wrist up.

"Yes, thank you Mishca. But your warning was late and Carth already got the chance to shoot something for me." I really hoped my sarcasm could be heard over the voice modulators. It certainly registered with the man in question who raised his eyebrow at me.

"What? How did he get there?"

"He…" I looked at Carth. "Actually that is a very good question, how did you get here?" My eyes narrowed a bit suspiciously. How the hell was he here? I almost kissed him before I found out how he had magically know where I was running too. I didn't even know where I had been running too.

He looked toward the body of the Gar'un as he spoke. Looking it over a second time. "I saw three figures leave the bar after you. It didn't take long to connect the dots of what you said and realized you might need some backup."

"That didn't answer my question, how did you know I was trying to get here? I didn't even know I was coming here."

This time he glanced at me and then made a very big point of not looking me in the eyes. As he ran a hand nervously through his hair I knew I was not going to like what he was about to say.

"I uh, tapped into your com system as soon as I left the bar. Your splicer is good but I had about twenty of her type in the command room running stats on where you were and where you could possibly be. I relayed the parameters you set for safety and this is the room they came up with. I barely got here in time." He smiled then and shrugged at my shocked expression. "It's good to be in charge."

I was still looking at him in surprise. It was a smart decision once he had identified the danger. I was just startled by the fact he had used his power as commander to get to me. It was a bit of a stretch on the using the power for personal gains which I didn't think he would do. I was glad I got to see him again. Glad I didn't have to be in close combat with the Gar'un he killed. Glad my com chatter had helped him find me. My com chatter… He had been listening since he left the bar… oh shit. I could feel my face heating up.

"My Coms, how long were you listening for?"

He gritted his teeth, this was not going to be good. "Well can we just say that I am now a huge fan of Bara's now and leave it at that?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I was so embarrassed. Also angry. But mostly embarrassed. I am going to kill Bara for the things she said over that com link. I hope he didn't hear her say I had been longing for him. That would be the worst situation, it would mean I would lose control of this… situation or whatever the hell was between us.

Carth raised his hands up loosely holding the blaster by the barrel in what was an attempt at being non threatening. "Hey look, I was trying to save you. And I was running my ass off trying to get here before you. The only people I heard were my team and possibly Bara's righteous indignation at you not kissing me. Of which I only heard because she was yelling." He was extremely apologetic. I couldn't see any hint he wasn't telling the truth. That wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been. I was still going to kill Bara. Carth's hands were still up but he must have sensed I wasn't as mad, or at least not as mad at him, he was giving me a slow smile.

"Also, just in case me saving you gives me some points, I completely agree with her and you should change your mind about ducking."

That got a laugh out of me before I was able to stop it. What was it about him that always put me at ease even in tense situations like this. My com cracked. "Girl I like him, if you duck again I get to bring him home with me."

Now we were both laughing. Whatever moment we had had before was definitely ruined now, but that wasn't terrible. This was almost as good, laughing together, acting normal, like were just two people who had the capacity to be normal.

"Bara, you are not exactly part of this conversation."

"Then stop talking so loud! Mishca, Trev and I can all hear you."

"Trev is on the bridge?"

Trev's voice now came through the com, silky and strong with his upper crust accent. "I'm here Tsornin. Laura and Dontar are on there way to your position right now. They won't get there for another fifteen minutes. Will you be good until then?"

Carth was frowning at Trev's statement. Or was it at Trev? "I got a squad coming in five."

Just as he said that a bang echoed from above us. There were a line of grates above us that looked to be sealed much better then the one I had made my graceful exit from. Carth and I looked at each other. Play time was over. The squad wasn't going to get here in time to help. Our stand was here.

Without any communication we both broke for the blast doors. They didn't have a tunnel shaft above and as the entrance way was raised about two feet across the edge and the machinery ended about five yards from the doors. It was perfect ground for what I needed and Carth knew it. The bangs got louder. It wasn't going to be long now.


	6. Fight - Chapter 6

Fight - Chapter 6

As soon as we got to the platform Lark dropped to the floor and started rummaging through her bag. I pulled my tracker out and saw it was still four minutes until the nearest response team got here. Lark was pulling metal pieces from her bag and fitting them together. It took me a moment before I realized this must be her lightsaber. It looked like when she finished connecting it it was going to be three times as long at the haft then her old one. More questions were surfacing in my head but I only had time for the most pressing one.

"These are not just a group of assassins with a contract after you." It wasn't even a question. I knew I was right just as I knew I would really hate what she would answer with. I moved to cover her while she worked. I pulled my second gun and trained both on where these creatures were about to fall through the ceiling what could only be a couple more seconds, a minute at most.

She gave me a quick smile on her knees while she continued to pull pieces together. "You always were a smart man honey. And before you ask I didn't tell you that they were a race of barely flight capable alien monsters with paralytic poison in their claws and teeth that might be brain washed or controlled by a powerful Sith that is apparently obsessed with killing me because honestly, I thought you would worry."

I turned away from the rest of the room and zeroed in on Lark as she stood up holding a two foot piece of metal. "What in the world is so bad about me worrying?"

She held the lightsaber haft in one hand and rested it on her shoulder. I hoped she didn't do that when it was on. She sighed as she threw the bag and the rest of its contents in a corner where it wouldn't get in the way. "Carth when you worry, you interfere. When you interfere the chances of you getting hurt go up more then I am willing to risk. I needed you to think it was something I could handle easily."

"But its not."

She shook her head. "No its not. I can handle it, but there is nothing easy about this. These guys don't quit, you can only kill them by destroying their head or else they regenerate too fast to die."

At this there was a huge bash and a clawed hand broke through the seal on the tunnel and was reaching to tear away more of the metal to get its body through.

Lark stepped to the front of the stairs in front of me and took up a defensive stance. "Stay low and stay behind me. If you don't distract them from me they should focus on me and not notice you are here."

I felt anger rise immediately at that. Did she think I was just going to sit here and let her protect me and not lift a finger to do the same for her? Did she think so little of the person I was? I stared at her back. She was holding the saber in a two handed grip, taking a second to focus herself before battle. Lark was completely ready to meet this challenge without any help from me.

"Fuck that."

She turned sharply towards me as I stepped up next to her. "I will not endanger you more then I already have. This is my fight." Her voice was low and deadly serious. Her hair framed her beautiful face perfectly in this moment and in her eyes was the predatory light I first saw at the bar. She was a fighter, this woman. She would never give up and she would never ask for help. She was so different and I liked it more then I should.

"I am involving myself."

Luckily there were certain precautions I took after seeing Lark dispatch those assassins, or cult members, or whatever they were. I didn't go half way either. I holstered my blasters and took off my jacket. Loose clothing was great for hiding all the gear I was wearing under it but it was terrible in a possible close combat situation like this seemed like it might devolve into if I wasn't good enough. I had a set of light body armor with grenades and stems on the cross pieces. The ions wouldn't be of much help, but the plasma and the cryo would be extremely useful. When I activated the melee shields on either arm and redrew my blasters I saw Lark staring at me in a little bit of shock mixed with confusion. I smiled

"Beautiful, I come prepared for your type of trouble."

The dismay was gone now but questions were still in her head. She never handled people disobeying her orders well. Five years ago I probably wouldn't have. Something about her back then cowed even the most stubborn, including me, hell especially me. But thinking she was gone all these years put her decisions in a different light. I was never going to leave her to fight alone. Didn't matter what she wanted, I realized I would risk everything for her.

Shoulder to shoulder with Lark looking at the hand ripping another panel off I readied my self to start shooting as soon as I saw eyes. Lark turned her lightsaber on with a flick and it expanded into a slivery blue gray. It was a bit off from the bright crystal blue of her old saber but this one fit her much better. It matched the color of her eyes. It was about one and a half times longer then a normal saber as well as being much wider. We were about to be horribly imminent danger and I said the only thing I was thinking at the moment. It was almost a whisper but I am sure Lark heard.

"I will not lose you again."

And then the Gar'un were through and the fight was on.

Five of them poured out of the shaft they had been smashing through. As they hit the ground they started running towards us and I saw that each had two vibro dangers in each hand. That would make it a lot harder for Lark to get through their defenses. I could keep them off balance with heavy fire. I started firing as soon has they hit the ground but they were fast. When I did score a hit it slowed the creature down but not for very long. These things were going to be hard to kill.

When the Gar'un were half way to our position Lark charged to meet them. Her saber flashing as she engaged the leader. Three of them focused on her but two leaped to the top of the machinery on either side of the room and started running along the tops of them straight towards me. The one on the left was the one I had hit and was a bit slower so I focused in on the right monster. As it leaped from the top of the hydraulics I beaded in with both blasters. Lark said I needed a head shot and that is what put the first one down earlier. I shot as it was almost on top of me. It must not have thought I was a threat because it didn't even try to doge. I saw the face of the creature. It was gray and almost desiccated looking with black eyes and wrinkly skin. Its bared teeth were impossibly long and each was thin, sharp and as black as its eyes. I put two blasts straight through those eyes full of hate. It fell at my feet its momentum stopped by my shots.

The one I had shot leaped at me with a shriek. I dove and rolled away on the platform and it landed where I had been standing moments ago on its feet. As I came to one knee the Gar'un was already coming at me with both knives. I raised and crossed both my arms the shield unit creating a barrier that stopped the downward stroke that would have eviscerated me. I held the shield and the monster pressed down as far as he could. I strained and raised my self so I was fully standing. This thing was quite a bit larger then me and so strong I wasn't going to be able to hold him here very much longer and my shields were being drained every second. I dropped one blaster and took a hand away from holding the shield. I had three seconds before it broke if I didn't have both working together. Time to do something unexpected.

Both of its blades were pressed against my vambrace trying to break my shied so I reared back and punched the damn creature in the head with my free hand. It stumbled back its gruesome teeth parting in a hiss of pain and hate. Pressing my quick advantage I kicked him in the chest as hard as I could while he was still off balance from the punch. Taking a short fuse small dispersal Cryo grenade I dropped it at his feet and dove to the bottom of the platform getting out of the blast range. After an eruption of blue smoke and a cold chill from behind, I didn't hesitate since these things only lasted about five seconds. I stood and turned and saw the frozen figure, its visage twisted in rage, and put a shot right into the things brain.

Now I turned my attention to Lark's fight. She was incredible to watch. There was a precision to her movements, a intent that had never been there. Cassie had never relished killing and it had shown in her fighting. Cassie had always had a little hesitation when the killing blow came. Surrounded by three opponents, each with two knifes capable of deflecting her Lightsaber, Lark showed no signs of hesitation. She whirled and turned, wielding her over long saber with finesse and grace, each blow she struck contained all the weight and power she could possibly muster. And she was scoring hits. But they were all superficial. She got arms and legs and torsos but they kept on coming and protected their heads better then the rest of their bodies. It was a dance of death and I was going to make sure she won.

I couldn't get a clear shot since they were moving too fast for me to hit without risking Lark. But I could distract the bastards and give her the opening she had been fighting for. I shot low, aiming for the back of the one closet to me. A hit and almost as soon as the wound opened in the side of this thing I could see it starting to close. The creature turned towards me and that gave Lark the opening she needed. The Gar'un was beheaded before he could even attempt to turn back and defend himself. But as she took advantage of the wounded Gar'un one of the others sliced through her defenses before she could recover. The creature hissed in triumph as blood blossomed from Lark's thigh. She gave a shout of surprise and hurt that made me enraged. As she dove away back towards me to escape the grasp of the others claws I had a shot on the one that wounded her. I blew its jaw off with the first shot. I could see the sinews and gore coming together as it slowly turned its head to face me. The second shot he tried to deflect with his vibro blade, but he was too slow, he dropped to the floor with the headless corpse of his compatriot.

There was only one attacker left now. Lark had stood back up and started walking towards it saber raised. The thing, which hadn't made a sound besides inhuman screeches, suddenly dropped his blades and spoke with a voice made of rusted iron and children's nightmares.

"You will kill me. But soon it will be your turn to die." It hissed and almost gave a macabre approximation of a deadly grin. "We will destroy you."

Lark was in striking distance now but she paused asking the question I also wanted to know the answer too.

"Why?"

She sounded so exasperated with the question. I got the feeling she had asked this same question before and had never gotten a satisfactory response.

Its head tilted as if curious at her lack of understanding a concept that was so plain to him. "Because," It hissed, "You are Revan."

Her strike was so fast I would swear she hadn't even moved except for the black burned line that now bisected the creatures head going from the right side jaw to the left of his temple. The sabers path had been so quick that the burned flesh from the cut had simply stuck together again. As the last Gar'un fell to the ground Lark turned her saber off and it slowly powered down. He could barely hear Lark's response to the dead creature but it hit him right in the chest when he realized what it meant.

"That is not my name."

This amazing woman was being tracked down and hunted for crimes she had spent the past five years trying to undo. Crimes she had already undone when she destroyed the Star Forge. This was why she had left, the constant reminder of who she used to be, both people she used to be. The suffering reminded her of Revan, the love and adoration of Cassie. She wasn't either of those people. Not anymore.

I was about to go to her. About to try and kiss her again. After seeing her take that hit all I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and protect her. But the blast doors opened when I took my first step. She turned just as I did and I leveled my blasters at the door without even thinking. Dustil was standing there looking dumbfounded with a plasma rifle in one hand and the other directing the squad of station security soldiers to hold behind him. I just laughed and lowered my weapons.

"Little late to the party son."

He moved into the room getting his team to secure the area with practiced precision. "If this is how you party dad I don't think I want to be invited anymore. Are you okay? We came as fast as we could."

"Yes I'm fine." I looked over at Lark who had moved to sit on the edge of the steps her back to us. "My friend though, looks like she got hit in the leg pretty bad do you have a medic?"

Dustil motioned to a man behind him and he came up to both of us and saluted crisply. "Sir! Commander!" Dustil winced at the loud and chipper salute. It made me laugh but he would get used to it. Dustil had graduated from officer training a year ago and had made his way up in the station command. I was more proud of him then I was of any of my own accomplishments. As a bonus he seemed to genuinely enjoy being on the station where I had always been more at home on star ships. It was probably better for him this way. If he ever started a family he could be a much better father then I ever was to him. I looked towards Lark. It was only thanks to the woman sitting on the stairs bleeding right now that I even had the chance to be a father now. "Jenkins, please see what you can do for the woman's wound." With another salute Jenkins was off. He went over to Lark and started unpacking a med kit to get her patched up. Now that she was taken care of I could face Dustil's rampant curiosity.

"I have a lot of questions dad."

"I figured." I groaned as I leaned on the entryway. I was getting a bit to old for death defying rolls on the ground. "Give me your top five just to start. I will see what I can do."

"So what in the hell happened here? Why are you in the deck H ventilation system pump room? What are these things? Why were they trying to kill you? And who is that woman?" At the last part he motioned behind him towards where Jenkins was doing an admirable job helping Lark. I kinda thought he was touching her legs a little too much. I shook my self at that thought. I can't be jealous of a green fresh off basic medic. That would be silly.

"Dad! I need answers." Dustil was looking at me in confusion.

Had zoned out there for a second thinking about Lark's legs? I was in a bad way. But duty called and damned if I didn't always end up answering. I needed to debrief Dustil and his team in the handling of these bodies. I could get a full investigation opened with the evidence we collected which would help us track down these guys. I snapped back into Commander mode taking charge of how the situation needed to be handled. "Aliens called Gar'un. We thought this would be the safest place to fight them since there are no civvies here and nothing that goes boom. And they are not trying to kill me they are trying to kill her."

I raised my voice to the men examining the body of the one I had hit with the grenade. He was reaching out to touch it. "Soldier!" Half the men in the room jumped at that. "Do not touch the bodies right now. They secrete poison." While not necessarily true, it would keep the team from messing with them to much before the investigation team got here to collect evidence. I turned to Dustil then and spoke quieter. "We need to get a med team down here and any Xenobioligists that can be spared from the surface."

Dustil nodded. "Okay we can do some back round checking on the Gar'un as well and see if we can find how they got here unregistered or if they have been here a while and possibly track the ship they came on." He looked at me and then looked back at Lark who was just standing up with Jenkins' help. She still had her back turned and I realized that this was about to become more of a disaster. Dustil would recognize her. Part of her protection was her anonymity on the station, he would blow it sky high if he said anything to anybody. I had to protect her as well as I could. I put my hand on Dustil's shoulder.

"Listen to me, in a second you are going to know who she is. You are going to be very mad at me for not telling you she was here. Then you are never tell another soul she was aboard this station. Do I make myself clear LT?"

Dustil knew when I brought up rank that it was a serious issue. His eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Who is she? … Sir." That was an agreement, even if he didn't like it he would do as I said.

Lark had come up behind him while we talked. I was relived to see her leg looked fine and she had no other injuries. She still looked damn good and that smile was back on her face.

"Carth, there is no reason to brow beat your underlings. My cover is already blown and I'm leaving within the hour. Mishca is already prepping the engines. Besides no one but you knows who I am."

Dustil's eyes had widened when he understood the implications of her words. I could almost hear his brain audibly making connections with the voice and my behavior. I shrugged to him and to her. There was nothing I could do at this point. Dustil slowly turned around and saw Lark's smiling face.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."


	7. Choices - Chapter 7

Choices - Chapter 7

It was mostly shock I recognized on the young lieutenant's face mixed with anger that I didn't understand. Then my own recognition hit.

It was Dustil. He had still been a teenager when I had seen him last. Sixteen or seventeen, same as Mission. Now I saw him and he looked like a man. He was obviously the officer in charge here which was a much better possible future then I had imagined. His hair was darker then his father's and his eyes were a much lighter hazel but there was no denying the resemblance with Carth standing right behind him. They had the same height and bearing, and the look I was getting right now from him was so similar to Carth's bemused expression when I used to say something unexpected I almost laughed.

I knew he wouldn't understand but I was relived he didn't join the Jedi after we convinced him to turn from the dark side. The Jedi for all their wisdom were low on understanding and lower on tolerance. They would have tried to do the same thing they had done to me. Beating you down until you fit the mold they had cast for you. Some came out better for that. Some ended up like me and killed millions of people. Dustil had deserved better then that.

And now he was looking at me like he couldn't comprehend who was standing in front of him. And I was a bit lost too. I had talked to him a lot via vid screen after we had saved him, Carth was talking to him every night and had asked me to talk to him once or twice when he asked questions about the force he couldn't answer. From that evolved a rather odd friendship that wasn't master and apprentice but something, simpler. Even then I had had a stranger understanding of the force then any one else. I believed it to be a tool neither light or dark being more powerful and that the way it was used, either for selfishness or for the good of others, was what made a person. I helped him through dealing with the things he had done while on Korriban and apparently my encouragement to choose his own path had not been in vain.

I was still at a loss of words to say, I was thinking something along the lines of "You grew up" or "looking good" or "sorry I almost got you Dad killed earlier" or something else equally inane. Thats when Dustil moved forward and wrapped me in a tight hug. I must a have looked extremely surprised, probably because it was the last reaction I expected, and Carth who could only see my face over Dustil's shoulder started laughing. The ungrateful man I should have let him get eaten. Though I didn't actually know if the Gar'un ate people, I should have let them try and eat him.

"I am still extremely mad at you for leaving you know."

I laughed and hugged him back. "I know and I'm sorry. I think you know why I left though. More then any one else." I meant that sincerely. He had a unique view point on the world we had been apart of and it looks like ultimately made the same choice I did, turning his back on power. I pulled back out of the hug and examined him, looking at his uniform again. It was the red and yellow of the Republic and looks like he was marked with the special designation for the Telos station. He must have been stationed here awhile to get a permanent posting.

I put a hand my hand on his arm. The boy was tall just like his father. I tried to talk quite but I knew Carth would probably hear. "I'm glad your here. I'm glad you chose a better path then mine to follow." At that I looked over to Carth who as I assumed was listening but obviously wasn't going to interrupt. "Its a more honorable path."

Dustil looked towards his father at that, smiling at the slightly confused look on Carth's face now. Turning back to me he replied with a grin. "And I think you know why I made that choice better then anyone else too."

I smiled at that. At this point I was just glad he wasn't mad at me the way I expected him to be. The way I had expected Carth to be as well. They had both surprised me today. The guilt and hurt didn't seem to feel as bad when I was around these people I used to know so well. Maybe it would be possible for me to return. Possible to start again and not have to stay exiled out on the outer rim by the force of my own self punishment.

"Sir we need you over here."

Dustil turned to the voice that was asking for him. It was one of the team inspecting the entry holes the Gar'un had made in the ceiling. He looked with a sigh towards Carth and I. "Duty calls. And something tells me you two have a lot more to talk about. Plus your right dad I am pissed at you still too." I laughed and he walked down to the area his team needed him. He was so like his father. He would always choose his duty over his personal wants. He would be good for the Republic, just as Carth was now.

"You did good Carth. He is a good officer."

Carth was still looking at Dustil an understanding that had not been there before on his face. "You were the one to tell him not to go to the Jedi Academy." I jumped, I had not expected that. He looked straight at me. "I am not ungrateful it meant I got to keep him in my life, but I always wondered why he refused, turns out it was you." He looked at me expecting an explanation for a question he hadn't asked but I knew what he wanted. I turned away from him watching Dustil, far away now.

"They would have tried to break him. His will was strong even then, stubborn like his dad, in the process of making him a Jedi they would have destroyed him, just as they did me. The pieces they put back together are never as strong as the whole and would always let the old darkness back in. He was better off with you." Carth let him be himself while giving him the guidance he needed to become a good person. By staying away from the order he would be able to stay strong in the face of adversity. He would not be constantly punished for a time of weakness he had no control over. He wouldn't feel the temptation every time he used his powers for good to turn them into a tool for destruction.

"Does that have anything to do with why you didn't use your force powers in that fight?"

I whipped my gaze in his direction and I couldn't hide the unease in my face because Carth spoke again.

"You couldn't have expected me not to notice. You should have been able to take down all six of those monsters and just three were able to get you wounded pretty bad." He had stepped back and was assessing me now. He was too smart for his own good. I did not want to have this conversation.

Without answering I silently went to retrieve my pack. It had been stupid of me to let Carth get involved. Stupid to contact him, to let him see what I had become. I was weak. I would always be weak. I could probably kill him, Dustil and everyone else in this room and I would still be weak because the power still called to me. Every time I was in battle, every day I saw injustice done, every night when the ship was silent and all alone it called to me. I could feel Carth's gaze on my back as I put my saber back into the bag. Maybe deflection would work. I had to get out of here.

I was still facing the bag putting it to rights. "You know your security almost got us killed. I couldn't get this saber in the station assembled because your scans apparently search for lightsabers. Could have cost us more then it did."

From behind all I heard was Carth's voice getting more exasperated. "Don't evade this, its not like you."

I stood facing the wall. I couldn't let him see me yet. I couldn't look him in the eye like this. "And how do you know whats like and whats not like me? You don't know me anymore."

I whirled to face him expecting to see defeat. Expecting for him to leave or to let me leave. I needed to get out of here. Instead he was just feet from me arms crossed and a determined look in is eyes that I could remember seeing any time we settled in to have a good long argument.

"Thats the second time you have said that but I this time I don't think it is completely true." His voice had an unknown edge to it and his words cut. He was stepping closer now. "If you are a different person why did you specify to your tech you needed a place where people wouldn't get hurt? Why do you still obviously care about Dustil? Why did you try so hard to keep me out of the fight when you know I would die to protect you? Those are all actions of the person I used to know. I think you have not changed as much as you claim too. No one can change the person you truly are, even the Jedi, they can just obscure the surface, and not even for that long." He his eyes had gone softer now. I could tell how much feeling he was putting in his words. He believed everything he said and I could tell how much he still cared. He wouldn't if he knew the truth, and the truth was getting closer to being reveled with each probing question.

"Carth you would die to protect anybody you thought was innocent."

He cocked an eyebrow at that. "And what in the world is that supposed to mean?"

I brushed past him heading for the blast doors. "Exactly what I said you great big lumox." He could never just let this go.

"Is that what this whole thing is about?"

The pain in his voice made me stop but I still didn't turn around. I was about half way to the exit.

"You think because of the things you have done, and I realize it was you, I understand what you meant at the bar, that you can't be someone others want to protect? That you are not worth it?"

I still didn't turn. Now it was exasperation in his voice.

"How could you think I would believe that of you."

I finally rotated around. It was my turn to be angry. Angry at his pig headedness. Angry that he wouldn't just give up and have a memory of me that would be better then the truth. Anything was better the truth but it was about to rear its ugly head. He wanted to know why I didn't use my powers? Why I didn't want him to think well of me, why I didn't want him to risk his life for me? Well fine he would know and he wouldn't thank me later for it.

My voice was low and thankfully I kept it steady even though I was raging inside about this whole damned situation. Anger towards Carth for these questions, anger at Dustil for giving him the hint that made him connect the dots, anger at the jedi for doing this to me, and most of all anger at myself for making that mistake ten years ago at that temple during the Mandalorian Wars.

"Every time I reach into myself to use the power, the power you are so keen to observe I did not use, takes me one step closer to using it to kill every person in the room and go on to wreak as much havoc and destruction as my dark heart craves." He stayed thankfully silent but there was no change in his face. I couldn't tell if my words repulsed him as much as they did to my own ears. I continued squaring off against him across the room now. I didn't care who heard me now. "I always feel the dark in the corner in my head. I fight it constantly. Using the force makes it worse, instead of fighting with just my enemies I am fighting them and the beast my darkness creates." I was walking towards him now. "Its like an addiction to red sand but worse because red sand doesn't kill those you care about and make you want to murder entire planets. And I will never be free of it. It is a constant battle so forgive me if I fight it by making sure I don't give it greater chances of success." I was close to him now and I shoved his chest with my right hand. Not hard but he stumbled back, caught off guard. His eyes were not soft now. I was happy he would give up on me just as my heart broke. I was destroying anything we could ever have and I knew it. "Don't you dare judge me or pretend you know how to fix me. I know I am weak and that is why I can't use the force. Why I refuse to use the force. Are you happy now?"

Carth just looked at me. The eyes of stone were back. Piercing me like shards of rock. He had uncrossed his arms and it was like he was purposely keeping them at his sides, his fists clenched. When he finally spoke it was low and full of pain. Pain I knew so well. "Why won't you let me help you?"

More truths spilled out even though I didn't want them too. I knew him to well. Just as apparently he knew me. I laughed because it was better then crying. "Carth what are you going to do, corrupt your position to help me with the resources of the Republic? You are to honorable for that. Would you abandon your duty to run off on an adventure? You care about duty more then you do about life."

He was silent as he glanced towards Dustil, who was glancing back to us a worried look in his eyes. We were out of earshot of the men but everybody could see we were fighting. Just like old times, how ironic.

Carth's silence was just confirmation of my assumption. "Thats what I thought." I said it softly and he quickly looked back at me and started to say something.

"Your so sodding good Carth. The paragon I could never be, not anymore. I have a taint that will destroy that. My darkness will suck you in if you let me, that is how bad I want you." I exhaled at that admission. I understood now that I wouldn't ever see him again. I wouldn't come back here. I needed to keep him safe. But if we were bearing truths I might bear the most important.

"I love you Carth. I always will. But you have a life here, a good life, one someone who has done what I have could never be a part of. I will keep myself away because I won't let you destroy your life for me. I have to walk away from you to keep you alive." I couldn't look him in the eyes now. I didn't want to see what he was thinking written in them. His fists at his sides were shaking.

I turned again, seemed I had been doing a lot of turning back and forth in this conversation. It was almost a dance. I started walking towards the door and I didn't look back until I got there. I rested a hand on the side and looked over my shoulder. He was standing where I had left him arms still at his sides. He hadn't tried to stop me and my silly conflicted feeling about that were legion. But this is what I wanted, this would keep him safe. Safe from the Gar'un, safe from my other enemies. Safe from me.

"Don't follow me."


	8. Shiny - Chapter 8

Shiny - Chapter 8

"Don't follow me."

I rounded the corner before he could say anything. I didn't want to hear anything he would say. As I walked down the corridor down to the turbo lift everything that had happened in the last hour really hit me. I just needed to get to the elevator to break. Some where no one could see me. The doors slid open and I was grateful no one was inside. Hitting the button for the docking bay I had about a minute before I would get there.

I collapsed on the ground leaning against the paneling on the far wall. I could feel the pulse of electronics on my back through the wall as the tears started falling into my hands. He is really going to hate me after that. Here I am, leaving him again, falling apart just as I did the last time. Before I had been running from everyone, this time it was just him I was running from. Running from the man I loved because I couldn't trust myself to not get him killed.

I didn't sob or scream at the injustice. I did this to myself. I would live with the consequences. My tears were for the life I could never have. A life here. Life anywhere that wasn't on a ship, free to roam and do as I saw fit. I could keep evil at bay while out there. I could keep it away from Carth and at the same time away from the Republic.

On that sobering thought I stood up and wiped my eyes. My problems were not the problems of the Galaxy and some one was manipulating an entire cell of assassins from an undiscovered race with some connection to my past. Knowing my past, it was naive to think that anyone who wanted to kill me wouldn't also want to harm the rest of the Republic. That was just the sort of enemies I made. Lucky me.

The doors to the turbo lift opened and I had dried my eyes. It was a good thing because Dontar and Laura were standing at the lift. I wasn't exactly surprised, Bara said they were in route. But any time an Abyssin and Elomin are standing together armed to the teeth looking daggers at you you can't help but feel a little off kilter.

I looked at both of them expectantly. "What?"

Laura was the one that answered, as usual with these two. "How about an apology Captain?"

Baffled I could just repeat myself sounding more confused then I probably wanted. "What?"

"You could have told us you were not dead! Bara has been yelling at us to get to you for the past ten minutes!"

Laura was yelling now. Her red face flashed with more color and anger. She was so different then your typical calm and logical Elomin. She looked the part with her black horns, smooth tan skin, and small compact stature. But Laura always let her temper control her. I'm sure its what got her into the trouble I had originally found her in. I swear the only thing she was logical and calm about was the Redemption's engines, and woe to those that made disorder in her domain.

With a long suffering sigh of exasperation she threw up her hands at me. "Why do we even try to protect you if you don't care if we know if your alive huh? Too busy meeting with your sweetheart?" At that she turned and stalked back the way they had came likely heading back to the ship.

She didn't see the flicker of hurt I felt roll across my face at her words. Damn Bara's loud mouth. Usually I had thicker skin then this. I was raw. I looked up at Dontar's face and could tell he had seen what Laura had not. He reached out his green two fingered hand and clasped my shoulder. His one eye conveyed understanding. He knew my history probably better then the rest of my crew. Dontar listened. He payed more attention to his surroundings. He conveyed more comfort in a gesture, then words from anyone else. Some times life was as simple as knowing who would have your back.

We walked back to the ship together in companionable silence. The explanations would come when Bara cornered me and I was happy for the short reprieve. My com had broken during the fight. It was the fifth one to go in as many months. I was bad luck for tech.

My ship was in dock 53 on H Deck. It was a beautiful ship. I was a biased judge but that didn't matter. Our ship was not as fast as the Ebon Hawk was. Not could match that ships speed. There were benefits to scaling back on raw power though. Benefits that stemmed from not having a ship that screamed "I'm a smuggler! Detain me for a random search!". I didn't have to explain to every single port authority that I was there for legitimate reasons, especially when I wasn't. It added a level of difficulty that I didn't need. The Redemption was above reproach.

With Trev we had a cover. Running the ship as a lazy outer rim prince's attempt at commerce was a perfect excuse for the crazy hours and uncertain flight plan. I was a captain for hire with a spoiled brat for an employer. That was the story and we stuck to it well enough for the past 3 years since he joined our rag tag crew. The ship reflected that he paid well. If only I could get away from his constant flirting I might have been happier with the change.

The Redemption was an almost iridescent silver. Pretentious, but I loved it. Sleeker, a design used for ages on the rim, it was older but steady. Much better in a fight then the Hawk and significantly bigger. It wasn't as fast but it made up for it in defensive shielding and to Bara's delight, it had a lot more guns. It was a more cylindrical shape than typical ships with the quad engines on the rear, its docking struts pull in flush with the hull when she is underway. Gunner turrets were located on the starboard and port sides with the bridge located above them. Inside the ship was functional but every person had their own space to decorate how they wanted.

No sharing bunks any more, a demand I made when we upgraded. I couldn't handle sleeping in the same room as Bara's snores, and she was reaching the end of her rope with my nightmares. She was the only one who knew how bad they were and she never complained about me. It just made me love my best friend all the more. Even if she was standing at the edge of the cargo ramp glaring at Dontar and I.

"What in the world did you say to Laura, she almost bit my head off" She flicked her yellow and red striped head tails around to her other shoulder.

I looked to Dontar but he was already past us and was in the middle of taking off his gear. I guess I wasn't going to be able to rely on him to diffuse this. I was wounded, I had just finally broke cleanly away from the one thing I wanted, and I still had a lot of work to do if I wanted to eventually get rid of the assassins that wanted to kill me and everyone I held dear. Patience, even for Bara, was in short supply.

I squared off on Bara. "Well apparently some one was yelling at her over coms so when she found me not bleeding out on the ground she felt a little mislead. Whose fault is that do you think?"

At the accusation Bara put her hands on her hips. "Well, we thought you were in trouble! We didn't know that of course you would pick a guy who can fight as well as you can."

She was ready for a fight. She always was when she felt I risked myself unnecessarily and she wasn't there to help me fight. Bara might act tough, well she was tough, extremely tough, but she had a huge heart an tried to mother everyone on board even though I was her Captain. I considered giving her the fight she wanted. It would make both of us feel better.

Dontar entered my tunneled vision, his clawed hand holding out my pack. The pack with the holocron that hopefully had some damn answers. I looked back at Bara as I grabbed the bag.

"Is everyone aboard?"

Bara picked up on my change of tone and nodded affirmative, thankfully dropped whatever issue she was going to bring up. It could wait till later. I walked past her, not answering her questioning gaze. I left my bag in front of my quarters after digging the holocron out and headed to the bridge.

Mishca was sitting in the nav chair in the back of the bridge deck. In front of her was a huge monitor and her slim fingers were flying over the interface. She looked like she was about 15 but I knew she was much older. Probably early twenties.

Mishca's parents had been the best code breakers on the planet Mishca had been born on. Sadly very soon after they found themselves on the wrong side of a planetary civil war. Fleeing off world they found themselves a lucrative life as freelance hackers. Mishca had been doing the Outer rims's dirty work since she was a kid and she had been contracted by a very nasty crime boss to come after me when I stopped his red sand racket. When I raided his lair I gave her an option, join my crew or join the rest of the crime lords minions tied up and waiting for pick up by the authorities. She had been with us for two years now and I had never regretted giving the quite girl a chance.

She had looked up as I entered and I threw her the holocron. I walked past her confused face and went to the center console entered the code to access ship wide coms.

"Everyone prep the ship for take off. Trev I need you on the bridge."

I looked at Mishca who was still holding up the holocron waiting for an explanation. "We got the data I needed. Lets hope we can analyze it with what we know about these guys and find the planet they are based on at least."

Mishca just nodded understanding finally clearing the uncertainty from her gaze. She was just starting to upload the holocron to our internal system when Trev walked in.

Trev was a perfect specimen of humanity. Golden blond hair hanging fashionably just past his ears, aquiline and upper class nose and jaw, eyes that both joked and burned with passion when he was making the attempt to seduce a mark. Those eyes I had stopped taking seriously about 5 minutes after they first tried to turn my head. Not that Trev was not attractive, and ten years ago I would have fallen head over heels for some one like him, even when I was a Jedi. Possibly even five years ago had I not met Carth. But since I had, something in Trev's seduction techniques and general personality just lacked the substance I was looking for. And despite Trev's very earnest attempts to get me in his bed over the past few years something always felt off. At this point he was too good of a friend to have a one night stand with, even if that was something I was willing to consider, and he was not the man I wanted for anything more. That never stopped him from trying though.

"I am here to service my Capitan's needs." Trev said with a flourish and a wink. I could see Mishca blushing in the blue light. She was so proper, seemed like Trev's insinuations always made her uncomfortable. I always just took it as par for the course.

"Don't look so satisfied with yourself. You just got bureaucrat duty. We need to get off this station as soon as possible, and you are driving. I need to take a look at this data with Mishca."

He gave a huge theatrical sigh as he sat in the pilots chair. "I hate dealing with the Port Authority on Republic stations. They are so militarized they wont even take my bribes and try to arrest us when I offer." He looked like a sad puppy. I patted him on the head as I sat in the co-pilot chair and brought up the same data Mishca was already pouring through silently and intensely. She would be able to go through it faster then I would, but I was looking for a why, not just a where, to these attacks. That seemed to be something only I could find, they called me Revan so this had to do with something in my past.

I lost myself in reports and sighting the Republic had cataloged about the Gar'un. There seemed to be no pattern on who they targeted or where they were coming from. It took us another two hours to get clearance to take off from the station.

"Tsornin, we are ready to go, but there is a pending communica that is flagged to you." Trev looked over to me, a worried look on his face. "Its from the Command Center on the station do you want me to take it for you?"

Shit. Please don't be Carth, please don't be Carth.

"Send it to my console." I looked at him and gave him a half hearted smile. "If they are trying to detain us we can just blast our way out of here."

He gave a smile back. "On your word Captain." Trev could be a real eel sometimes but he was a reliable friend.

I opened communications.

"Dustil?"

Dustil's face was framed in my view screen glowing blue. He gave a small smile but it was hiding something underneath it and I couldn't tell what it was. "Surprised? Well I was too when I found out you are running away again." The smile was gone the anger I had not seen earlier rose up to replace it.

Now it was my turn to sigh. "Yes I'm running, I don't know if you noticed I have a crazy cult of assassins after me and I need to end this before more people are put in danger because of me." He should be able to understand this. He shouldn't want me to stay any more then Carth did. I was trouble, I had almost gotten his Dad killed.

His voice was low and came out as a growl. "You're seriously going to do this to him again?" There was no doubt who the Him he was referring to was. Behind me I heard Bara and Dontar enter the bridge to settle into their take off stations. They must have gotten done loading and securing the supplies we had picked up on the station. Now everyone on the crew except Laura was here to here what was about to become an argument I was sure.

Dustil deserved the truth, however harsh it was, just as Carth had the first time I left and lied to him. I would do the right thing this time.

"No, not again. This time, I am not coming back, he should have no illusions that I will be." Admitting out loud hurt just as much as deciding to do it after the fight.

His face on the vid screen hardened. "Good, you don't deserve his loyalty if this is what you do with it." He almost spat the words. This was the anger I knew I was originally expecting. The anger I knew I deserved.

"Listen here you little shit, don't you dare talk to my Captain like that!"

Bara had come up behind me and stuck her head where the camera would see her. This was not going to be good.

"Bara!"

She turned to me. "No Tsornin, I will not let this brat think you are not dying inside right now. You hide it from everyone but I know you!"

"Enough!"

My voice was steel and anger. I hated this situation. Hated that I was hurting everyone around me. Hated that Bara was trying to defend me when I just wanted this whole day to end. I was raw and hurting and Bara finally saw that. I was close to the edge.

"Get out of here. Now Bara. Before I say something I regret."

I watched her walk out off the bridge, her head tails swinging behind her. Once he doors closed I turned back the screen. I managed to douse the fire of anger inside but my voice when I spoke was full of the exasperation and sadness I felt.

"Your right Dustil."

His eyes widened at that. He hadn't expected me to say that. He must have thought I was going to try and defend myself.

"I don't deserve him. Its why I'm leaving for good." I sighed. I just wanted to sleep now after this emotional roller coaster of a night. "Was there something else you wanted or did you just want to lecture me and start a fight between me and my best friend?"

Dustil looked down and started hitting keys on his terminal so I couldn't see his face as he spoke. "I'm transmitting the Gar'un poison's chemical composition that we were able to analyze. You should be able to synthesize an anti toxin with it."

That was extremely helpful. I wondered why he had gone through the trouble. He was obviously angry at me from the start.

"Thank you Dustil."

He looked up and just stared at me. It was like he was looking for something else underneath my skin. I don't know what he was trying to see because he reached up and ended the transmission in silence.

I leaned my head against my hands. "Have a nice life." I whispered the words that no one would be able to hear. Why did I consistently hurt people I care about? I considered the crew I had now. I would give everything to make sure they were safe. I always kept them out of danger if I could.

In the background I heard Trev counting down take off from the station.

What made Carth so different then my crew? When I thought about it I had actually tried to ditch all of my crew. Bara I had tried to leave in safety three times before I had finally given up and allowed her to stick with me. From there Dontar, Laura, Trev, Mishca, all of them had joined me not because I asked them but because they followed me and didn't allow me to tell them no. Usually by getting Bara on their side first. They knew all the risks. Including the risk I posed to them. They had made the choice to stay with me knowing exactly who I was. None but Bara knew about Revan, but I had been forthright that I had been a Sith that turned back and then swore off my powers. They had no illusions about my taint, and I had none about their faults. Everybody had a reason to be on this ship and not be living their lives on their home planets. We were a family of people who had no home to go to.

Mishca's soft voice interrupted my introspection. "Captain, I think I found something."

I moved over behind her looking at her screen. "Show me."

She pointed up at the triangulation she had done. Her voice was excited. She always was the most animated when she has a problem to solve. "Using the Commander's data and our own record of the 8 attacks on you I pulled up instances of failed attacks and repeated attacks after the failures. After a failed hit another team was always sent. If we assume they are sent immediately and assume average ship speed capacity using the data we can find where the attacks have been coming from." She zoomed into the cube of space she had created. There were three registered worlds inside. "I can be sure with 94.95 certainty that the place where the Gar'un are is somewhere in this zone." She waved her hand at the screen and looked up at me beaming. This was the best intel we had gotten on this shadow organization in months. But something caught my eye as she hand moved her hand over the screen.

I pointed. "There. That point what planet is that?"

Mishca looked confused as she tried to bring up more information. "I, I don't know. It looks like there have been no records of it in this system." She was concentrating hard on the data scrolling by on the screen. Then almost under her breath she exclaimed. "Gotcha bitch." I was so surprised at the language from our mild mannered hacker I almost missed her explanation.

"There is no data here and I can't pull the data back. But whoever erased it left prints which proves that it was erased, and recently, within the last year or two for sure."

I looked at Mishca with a grin. "I think we just found our hide out. Trev set a course."

"Yes Ma'am"

I looked down at my hands, they were still dirty from climbing in that vent. I needed a shower and some sleep. This had been a stupidly long day. I looked back at Trev.

"We got it from here Captain, looks like its going take us three days to get to this system. Go get some sleep."

"Yeah Captain you need your rest. You were in a fight earlier"

I looked at Mishca and Trev. They rarely agreed on anything and apparently I looked so bad they felt they needed to conspire with each other to get me to go to bed.

"Thanks guys. I will be back in a couple of hours to take over driving."

They glanced at each other and they smiled suspiciously at me. There was something going on here but I was way to tired to figure it out right now.


	9. Lies - Chapter 9

Lies - Chapter 9

Open report -

- It is apparent by the lack of explosives on the captured lifeforms that they were not involved in the accident on the lower decks last night. I can see no further connection between the two.

Actually they were completely connected. Caused by the same woman in fact. Can't tell you that though.

- The unknown civilian would not submit to identification. I did not know who she was.

Well at least thats half right. Lark Tsornin. It was a beautiful name. Much better then Cassie Smith. How had I ever thought that was her real name? Its so childish and bland, everything she wasn't, even more so now. With her fire red hair, lean graceful body, and wicked sense of humor I should have guessed immediately that some unfeeling Jedi stodge had came up with the very vanilla name. A thought startled me. What was her name before Revan? Could this finally be something real hidden behind all the layers of lies.

- The civilian left in the confusion of the back up teams arrival. I was unable to ascertain why she had been attacked or question her further.

Oh I had questioned her. And every one of her answers had burned a hole inside of me I had thought long since healed. Her answers were never going to be heard by my superiors. They were for me and me alone. I would live with her decisions and my own. I would move forward like I had been doing for the past five years. But why did I feel like this had been the first day I had really felt alive in all that time? Why did I still want her after five years of silence. After having to watch her walk out the door again?

- She alluded to a ship, we could not find the name of it.

The Redemption. It fit just like her name did.

- I don't know what she is planning to do or where she is going.

Truth. The only full fucking truth in this report and the only one I regret.

The blinking light of the cursor is the only thing I can focus on. Why do I still protect her? She has made it very obvious she does not want it, even if it is equally as obvious that she needs at least some of it. I shuddered at the thought of how very close I came to loosing her today. But I still lost her didn't I? She walked away from me again.

I jabbed the submit button on my desk and the screen lit up with the hundred other tasks I needed to do. That I had been putting off for the past couple days. I swiped the screen to turn the alerts off and walked to the window in my office. Perks of being commander. My office was large but was mostly dominated by the desk in one corner that faced the window that covered most of the far wall. I had a couple of pictures on the wall but nothing that held significance to me. On the bookshelves I had mostly regulations and text books, with one corner devoted to new ship blue prints and novels of space adventures. It was the only thing in this office I cared about. I was always more at home behind the controls of a fighter then a desk. I had couches and chairs in here for less serious meeting but there were rarely used.

I had become all business in how I ran the station. And with a large helping of pride I recognized I had done an extremely good job. During the beginning stages of the Telos project I had been so driven to restore my home. That drive I feel carried over to the men and women under my command and in the past five years we had become a well oiled machine. A machine that with the help of scientist and engineers were making leaps and bounds of progress. I got less and less priority or emergency calls about different factions trying to kill each other and got more and more status updates on progress and calender reminders for superfluous meetings. I had finally gotten this station working to where I barely had to do any actual work and that made me more unhappy then I thought it should. In a few years Telos would be completely livable and that didn't fill me with joy the way it should have.

I had planned on a life here. I put my heart and soul into this project because I thought I would bring the woman I loved here and have the life I had lost when Telos was destroyed. Why did I think she would be happy here? Why did I think I would be happy here? The life I had had on this planet was as gone as my wife. I couldn't bring it back no more then I could bring her back.

At the window, the station had turned to face the planet below. Looking out over the blues and greens that were slowly coming to life I could see the beauty my home-world had, but my gaze was drawn above the horizon. Out to space, out to adventures I used to be a part of. Looking for Lark, as if I could find her ship in the sky and will her to come back to me. This time not to stay but to take me with her.

When had I become to good to follow her? She had not idea the depths I had sunk to before I met her. Or hell the trouble I had gotten into before the Mandalorian Wars. She was the reason I had been inspired to attempt to be good again. How could she not see that? But I guess it is the same way I didn't see her hurting after the battle of the Endar Spire. Maybe we were both at fault for the mess we had made of each other.

I put my hand on the glass and rested my head on the cold glass. I was a mess. I had a duty to this station and all I could think about was a woman. A woman who admitted she could kill me with her mind and I still thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. All I wanted was to wrap her in my arms and never let her go. Well that is not all I wanted to do. I had never been a saint even if she thought I was. My motivations were not pure and never had been. Until I saw her today my imagination had been tethered and under control along with the memories of the night before she had left. Seeing her today made me crazy. Surprising even myself I started remembering every moment of that night. The arch of her back as she cried out in pleasure above me. Her eyes looking deep into mine right before I kissed my way down her lean body. And oh her soft lips repaying every sweet torture I gave to her. There was a reason I had locked these memories away. There was only one way to stay sane when for one moment you had held everything you had ever wanted in your grasp. You had to try and forget.

I ran my hands through my hair, it was getting shaggy again and kept getting in my eyes. I needed to get a hair cut once I was done torturing myself with thoughts of a woman I could never have. I banged my head on the glass. I was an idiot. From the reflection on the glass I saw my desk light up again. I turned, confused, I had turned the damn thing off no one should be able to turn it on remotely. Then a voice came from the speakers.

"Uhhhh, Carth? Is this Carth Onasi's office? Hello?" The voice was low and hesitant. Vaguely familiar but I couldn't place it. A woman's voice but not the one I wanted to hear.

Anther voice interrupted the first, this one lower and lilting. "This is a bad idea. She is going to kill us."

I had no idea who these people were but some how they had gotten through my security to access my desk. I walked over to see the video feed. It looked to be a girl maybe 17 or 18 looking hopefully into the camera while a young good looking man paced in the background.

"This is Carth, I hope there is a good reason you just broke the law to access my offices system commands."

The man in the background laughed. "Oh, this guy? This is the guy?" He theatrically slapped his palm to his forehead. "We are going to get killed for this you know."

The girl named Mishca didn't respond to his words she just looked at me quizzically, as if she was sizing me up. Apparently finding me acceptable she proceeded to answer me.

"Sorry for interruption sir. I just needed to call you because you needed to hear a story."

She was completely calm, as if talking to a station commander and probably one of the most high ranking officers in the Republic happened every day. Her quite voice reflected no trepidation. I however was extremely confused and I didn't mind showing it.

"What? What are you talking about?"

I know my brow was furrowed, it was a habit Lark used to make fun of me about. As that thought entered my head I realized I had just called the Cassie I had know Lark. As if she had always been Lark. Maybe she had, she just hadn't known it yet. Mishca was talking again in her measured tones and the man was pacing again. He kept looking back at the corridor that lead to the bridge of whatever ship they were on. He was looking out for something or some one?

"I want to tell you about my Captain. I'm going to tell you something she doesn't want people to know about."

So this was a crew reporting a crime. That explained the look out who chose at this moment to interject.

"She really is going to kill us this time. Its not going to be like the time we released the laughing gas in the ship where she said she was going to kill us. She is really going to kill us for messing with her personal life."

Mishca finally snapped on the video screen and turned away to face the man.

"Trev. Would you please shut the fuck up. We need to save her from herself. Its the least we can do. She saved all of us, you, me, dozens of times. Now the least we can do is give him the chance to make a choice."

With that she turned back to me. The man called Trev in the video screen looked stunned. At the words or the vehemence in this small girls tone I didn't know but his face mirrored my own reaction to this girls words. This girl knew Lark, this was the cyber hacker who had been helping her. She was part of Lark's crew. I could feel myself growing cold with anger. This girl and that man, Mishca and Trev, they for some unknown reason could follow her and I could not. Mishca continued as if her outburst at Trev had never happened.

"My Captain is the greatest woman I have ever met. She risks her life almost daily to save the innocent and the weak. She kills the guilty and the evil without mercy." At this Mishca laughed a little. "or sometimes just the bad or neutral. But she cares deeply for everyone she meets."

Everything this girl was saying was fitting for Lark, the Lark five years ago and the one I saw today. She had to be talking about Lark. I was standing with my hands leaning on the desk in front of me and I could feel my fingers digging into the soft wood.

Mishca stared at me as if weighing how much she could trust me. I can't know what she saw there but she continued.

"My captain has stranded me on planets to keep me from danger. Multiple times." Mishca motioned towards Trev, "She only did it to him twice so far." Trev winced and spoke again. "Its kinda her MO. Though to be fair if she didn't do it we would have way to much crew for the Redemption to handle. That's how much she inspires loyalty, she picks up one or two people willing to die for her every week."

Mishca looked at me again. I couldn't formulate words my head was racing. She must have taken my silence to mean I wanted her to continue.

"My Captain Lark Tsornin is a protector. She doesn't want any of us to follow her because she knows it puts us in danger. It started with Bara but now we don't give her a choice." Mishca straitened in her seat. "We refused to stay where she had left us after she saved us, and we all would follow her straight to hell, because she is the only person I have ever met who would ask us not too."

Mishca started typing on her side of the screen. I was finally able to speak.

"Why?" I almost whispered it. "Why are you telling me this?"

She smiled and leaned in conspiratorially. "Because you deserve to know there is a choice. If you love her as much as she loves you, you know what you should do. And because I want her to be happy. And if you make the wrong choice I will be able to rest well knowing you did not deserve my Captain if you roll over and give up like last time."

Give up? How had I given up last time. But then the thought hit me. I had given up. As soon as she walked away I had let her go. Twice today I had let her walk out the door, three times if you count letting her ship leave the station. I had asked her to let me help her. At no point have I ever tried to stop her from leaving. I didn't stop her five years ago and I didn't stop her today. And just hours ago I had been sitting at this desk trying to busy myself with reports instead of installing tracers on her ship with the intension of following her. I had consigned myself to wallow in self pity because I was too tied up in duty and responsibility to fight for the only thing I had really wanted for the past decade.

I had done my duty to the Republic. At this point I was 39 years old and I had spent half of my life doing my duty. Ignoring my family, making it so I wasn't there for them when they needed me. Then later the command from Lark to make the Republic strong again instead of coming with her like I should have. Duty is what allowed her to run away from me last time.

With that I broke. It was like the past shattered into a thousand pieces and I made a decision. I have spent 22 years doing my duty. This time, right now, I would start the life I wanted. The station would be fine. Dustil was a man now with eyes to start his own family if I read the signals between him and his girlfriend Kalahn right. He didn't need me. Lark needed me. More importantly I needed her. I needed to be around her even if she didn't want me.

"Where are you?" My voice had a hard edge to it. It came out low and angrier then I intended. But this time I was angry. Angry it took a pep talk from Lark's crew to make me come to my senses and recognize what I should be doing.

Mishca smiled again. "Can't tell you that. But some trickster has loaded the Redemption's destination to find the Gar'un on to your office computer. Don't know who would have done that. It was nice meeting you sir. I hope I see you again."

With that she logged off. The room became dim again without the light from the desk's screen. I just stared at Telos out the window. After I few moments I left the office and headed to my quarters. A list of things to do was filtering through my brain. My quarters were a short walk away but when I got there I was finally struck by how utilitarian it all looked. I had never decorated. Never had anything personal besides a few pictures on the shelf next to the bed. It was like I really had never thought I would stay here that long. When you are waiting for some one you can get stuck in the waiting. I didn't want to decorate at first because the thought was what if she came back and didn't like it? Then it was well no one is going to see it so its not worth it.

I opened the locker at the foot of the bed and started taking weapons out. The door buzzed and opened and Dustil walked through. I could tell he was mad. I could tell he knew exactly what I was intending. He folded his arms and looked at me.

"Going some where?"

I reached in the closet and grabbed the military style rucksack back there, should be enough to carry all my favorite guns and a spare change of clothes. Maybe the pictures on the bedside table too.

"Your a man now Dustil and a good officer too. You have always made me proud. Keep the station going when I'm gone alright?" I started packing all the ammo and grenades I wanted to bring. Body amour, I would pack that too, I didn't need it right now.

Dustil's voice held and accusation. "She left you. Again! And you are going after her?"

I stopped and finally the anger I had been holding back at myself broke free.

"Of fucking course I am! I should have never let her talk me into letting her leave me behind five years ago!"

I slammed the vibro-blade knife in my hand in the bag. I knew this conversation was going to go badly.

"It was because of me wasn't it?"

I looked up in surprise. Dustil was standing with his arms to his sides. He wasn't looking at me just staring down at the pictures I was about to put in the bag. This one was of me and him about a year before the attack on Telos. We had just gone fishing together for the first time.

"She convinced you to stay by saying that I needed you. If it wasn't for me you would have been happier with her."

Well shit. I decided if I was going to leave I was going to leave with the truth. No more lies to myself or those I cared about.

"Dustil. I will never regret getting to know you again and watching you grow up into a good man. I wish that I had never left to begin with. You know that." His head came up and he was looking at me now.

"But yes you were one of the 50 reasons she threw at me for why I couldn't come with her." I took a step forward and grabbed his shoulder to keep him from pulling away. "But I shouldn't have let her go alone. You and I should have gotten on a ship and chased after her. I would have never left you. You are my son and we both needed each other too much to leave you anywhere. I am going after her this time. Alone because you have a life here. Besides my relationship with you, I have been in stasis for the past five years with nothing but work for company." Now it was my turn to look away as I walked back to the bag I had packed in less then three minutes.

"She makes me feel alive in a way I have not felt since Telos was destroyed and your mother died. I want to fight by her side and run and gun and get into terrible amounts of trouble with her. She is worth the risk."

"I get it. Just…" Dustil looked out the window and smiled. "Just don't forget to stay in contact this time. I need to know y'all are alive every once in a while."

I pulled the bag closed and latched up the sides. I smiled and reached out my hand and Dustil grabbed it.

"You got it son." And I pulled him into a hug.

"Good luck dad."

With a grin on my face I slung the bag over my shoulder. "What are saying that for now? I need to to help me get a hold of the best fighter we have in space dock."

He rolled his eyes. "Great, thats going to be easy to explain later."

I laughed as we started to walk out. Then I realized I had almost forgotten something. I went back into the bedroom and pulled on the orange flight jacket I had hanging on the closet door.


	10. Reality - Chapter 10

Reality - Chapter 10

It was hazy outside when I woke. Or wait, was I inside? Everything around me was formless, rolling and in constant motion. No colors just varying shades of gray.

"Hello!"

My voice echoed though the empty space. It was comforting to know at least I could hear an echo. There was nothing around me I could see or feel. Even the ground was just vaguely present. Soft but with no texture I could identify with even my bare feet.

A laugh sounded out of the haze startling me. I whipped around but just like my cry the sound echoed around me. It gave me no direction to run to or away from. This wasn't my ship. I could be sure of that. And this was unlike any dream or vision I had ever had. What was going on?

An area started to clear out in front of me. The fog was showing me something? I heard the laugh again but the sound came from the scene that was rapidly becoming clearer. A man and a woman were sitting together at a table playing some card game and laughing together. She was teaching the man Pazak, and completely enjoying herself in teasing him about his terrible poker face.

How did I know that?

The man was grimacing, outwardly he looked chagrined, but he had a light in his warm brown eyes for this woman. You could tell just from the way he looked at her when she wasn't looking.

Brown eyes.

Holy shit it was Carth! And the woman. The woman was me! It had been so long. I never thought of myself this way. This woman seemed bubbly, maybe even innocent. She laughed so easily as Carth flirted back to her. And she was a blond. That dirty blond I hated so much. As I focused I could see the background take shape. The bulkheads and screens of the Ebon Hawk's mess forming around me. I was here in this place with them but I couldn't talk, couldn't move. I could only watch the table. This was some dream.

The past me moved around the table to help Carth with the way he held his side deck. I could hear myself murmur something about bluffing ability being affected by a man's confident hand placement. Carth smiled as she came closer, that slow crooked grin of contentedness. I had always thought it was indulgence but I could see it now, he had been truly happy. As she met his eyes I suddenly knew with striking clarity this was not a dream. I knew exactly where I was and when I was. This was a memory.

Carth looked down at the girl pressed up against him as she fiddled with his cards. I had been 27 or 28 at the time but there was no doubt I still seemed like a girl. I only had the Jedi engineered background of a extremely capable and tech savvy woman who had been raised in a temple for all she knew about men. His chestnut hair fell into his face so I couldn't see his eyes anymore from where I watched this memory play out. But oh I could remember perfectly what they looked like. The heat of his gaze as I looked up and saw them fixed on my lisps. It had opened something inside me that day. It was the first time my instincts had went to war against my programed mind. I had wanted to feel his lips on mine, to let him run his hands through my hair as I traced the contours of his chest when I slipped my hands under his jacket. In one instant I fantasized him lifting me up on this table and getting us naked in the quickest amount of time possible. I knew he had been thinking the exact same thing. I could see it now as he lifted a hand to caress my cheek. Well not my cheek her cheek.

"Just kiss him! You idiot! Kiss him!"

In my head I was shouting now. Begging. But no sound escaped the body I was held in. My past self was not in the mood to listen. She was going to make the same mistake . She was too afraid of her own feelings. Too afraid to believe her instincts that being with Carth was the only thing that felt right in the fucked up situation they had found themselves in. Too afraid because it went against what others told her what was supposed to be right and good. She backed away from Carth and mumbled something about remembering she needed to talk to Mission about something. I don't even remember what I said as I ran away.

Cassie had been to afraid to love Carth. I had been too afraid. I thought love led to the dark side just as hate did. Until my memories came back, until I understood the value of what I had tried to turn away, then I could love him back. But then I was not the woman he wanted anymore. I had changed and was no longer the one he deserved either.

I expected the memory to end there but it didn't. I was walking forward. Whose memory was this if not mine? Carth looked straight at me. At me! And I saw confusion, embarrassment, and finally a hardened determination play over his features. He wasn't happy to see me, whoever I was.

"Don't look at me like that Bastilla."

His voice sounded like gravel wrapped in silk but I could tell he was hurt by what he thought was my rejection. Did he just say Bastilla? It definitely made sense. I must had accessed her old memories from when our bond was stronger while I was asleep. It must have been my obsessive thoughts of Carth as I laid in my bunk. Seeing him brought back so many of my own memories the force must have thought that meant it had free reign to drag this shit up. Some times dealing with the force was like living with a four year old who thought they knew better then you. But this memory was better then the nightmares I slept with normally. Sure enough I heard that arrogant high strung voice coming out of my mouth.

"Your playing with fire Carth and you know its wrong. Jedi are forbidden what you are asking her for. She is right to leave."

Carth's gaze turned frigid at that. "What would you know of that Bastilla?" Then as he saw something in her reaction that made him take back his anger.

"Sorry that was uncalled for. Its just-" He looked away from her and focused on the hallways I had disappeared through. His whole body telegraphed that was he really wanted to be doing was running after me. Without turning away he kept talking to Bastilla.

"Some times I feel as is she is the perfect woman for me, everything I want. She makes me forget my pain, forget that I could never be worthy of some one like her. She just plain makes me feel. I have fun again. Then something happens." He looked down at our abandoned pazak game. "Its like she is a different person when we are alone, then she remembers she is supposed to be a good Jedi and runs away."

"She is a good Jedi"

I laughed inside at Bastilla's assertion. Bastilla knew exactly who I was but she was currently trying to mold me into a version of herself. Focused on the councils version of perfection.

Carth pulled his head up and looked straight into my eyes. Well no into Bastilla's eyes. This vision was so confusing.

"No she isn't."

He said it with such conviction . He knew Bastilla was wrong about me. I don't know how he knew but he knew. Bastilla started to say something but Carth interrupted her.

"She is good, I have seen that as much as you have. We would save a lot of time if she was less committed to saving every man woman and child she meets." The pride mixed with exasperation in his voice hit me hard. I loved this man so much. If I could just reach out and touch him now. But he was still talking and this vision wasn't under my control. "And obviously she has too much power to be anything but a Jedi." Carth stood from the table and moved towards the door.

"She is not like you Bastilla. She feels, she doesn't know how not too. I doubt she even knows it herself. Once she stops trying to be a "good Jedi" and crippling herself with rules nothing will be able to stop her. She will be magnificent and compassionate and caring, all those things that make your order cringe and which the lack of lets the Sith flourish. Don't ask me to stop trying to break down the wall she has built around herself because I wont listen."

The fog was rolling back in and I could even see him leave the room or hear if Bastilla had said anything in response. I was now floating in nothing reeling with what I now knew. It didn't seem real. This could all be a normal dream like normal people have. I hadn't shared a full vision with Bastilla in years. Just snippets every couple months of a flash of color or some random place. I didn't even know where she was right now.

The uptight prig was probably encircled safely in the bosom of the Jedi Council blaming her connection to me for her fall. Definitely not mentioning the fact she had been passionately in lust with Malak, missing jaw and everything. That was just gross. Also probably not talking about how her constant need for perfection had easily turned into a taste for destruction. I was used to giving her the benefit of the doubt. I made excuses about the way she grew up and how hard this trial was for her. Mission, who was almost still a girl, made Bastilla look like a spineless spoiled brat. But I protected her because I thought she cared about me. As a friend, as a comrade. After saving her ass I learned the truth, she didn't give a flying fuck about me.

She threw me directly to the wolves when the council arrived. There had been a hearing convened to "Decide what to do with me." As Bastilla had put it. Carth was there when she argued to the council and the Republic Commanders that it was better for me to have my my wiped and reprogrammed then for them to trust me. Without Carth there arguing that I had changed, that Bastilla was wrong about me I don't know what would have happened. Though Mission assured me that her Cando and Zabarr had worked out an elaborate escape plan if that had happened. That assurance didn't give me a lot of hope as I was basically a hairs breath from my being, my very self, getting erased for the second time. I hated thinking about that moment. The loss of control as the woman I thought was my best friend and the man I love fought against each other over my fate.

I was back on the Redemption. I didn't know who it happened but suddenly I could move again and when I opened my eyes I was lying in my bed in my quarters. Well that was one hell of a dream to have, but it didn't change anything. Carth loved Cassie, not Lark, not me. Even if he could have loved me how could I pull him away from his life? I don't fit in the Republic's order. I would never be able to settle the way his life had been before the Mandalorian War. I wasn't the woman who would be happy anywhere but up here in a ship causing trouble and fixing problems. I was free out on the rim, and there was more peace in that then I could ever find on the surface of any world.

I rolled out of my bunk. The ship was big but not so big that I could be lavish in how much space the captain's cabin took up. I had about enough space for a bed an a desk on one side of the wall and a low couch with a shelf above it on the other. The shower and bathroom were behind the sliding door to the left from the bed and the door was up the ladder to the right. Behind the ladder was my closet and my gear. It was small but cozy and I loved it. Art from most of the worlds I had been decorated all of the walls and knickknacks I had kept were on the shelves. As well and a random assortment of weapons I liked to train with on any particular day. I liked to keep my options open, you never really know when your going to face a rancor or just some silly mynocks. Always be prepared was a motto I had picked up from Cando. Even if he hated the nickname Mission and I had had for him he still gave some of the best fighting advice I ever heard. I should have expected that from a mandalorian.

I chuckled to myself at that as I walked to my closet. Poking fun at grumpy people was probably one of the greatest pleasures you could get from life besides I guess winning fights, making a kid smile, or winning a really good Pazak game, or running and escaping from corrupt planetary guards, or sex, sex was really nice. It had been a really long time since I had had sex, maybe thats why I got into so much trouble. Bara would definitely say it was my sexual frustration "manifesting and causing trouble in my psyche's balance." It certainly wasn't my clothes that were driving men away it was mostly my attitude.

Clothes were one of the few things I had missed as a Jedi and as a Sith. Either one you had to put on your persona, there was no way to express yourself and I had longed to do that my whole life. So when the opportunity came five years ago to finally choose who I was going to present myself too the world as I might have gone a bit overboard. Opening my door a riot of colors assaulted me and it was wonderful. As much as I wanted to grab the long blue silk dress that I still hadn't gotten a chance to wear I needed something more serviceable especially if we were going up against Gar'un. We should be arriving in the system in the next hour or so. I grabbed a long sleeve light yellow shirt that was cut to show off my shoulders and didn't clash with my hair and some olive green armored pants. Just because I liked fashion didn't mean I was impractical. Combined with my black combat boots and fingerless gloves and vambraces, I was ready to kick some ass. All I had to do was strap on my gear and hook into my black set of body armour to protect my torso and I was good to go.

For this I wasn't leaving my lightsaber in a bag. It was at my side and everything felt almost right with the world. I could face this threat. With everything I had been through the thrill that came from facing my target head on was oddly comforting. I would find out who was behind this, I would keep my crew safe, and at some point I needed to forget about Carth and get laid.


	11. Forces - Chapter 11

Forces - Chapter 11

"I can't fly through that Captain, I'm sorry."

Trev looked horribly dejected. We had come out of light speed to find the planet we had intended to land on was surrounded by what was in effect an asteroid field shield around the whole surface. The gravity of the planet must have attracted the asteroids as it orbited this systems sun and had passed through the asteroid belt on this system. The asteroids made a safe landing impossible. Maybe if they had been still we might have had a chance, but these orbited the planet at extremely fast speeds plus since they differed in size from the same size as our ship to the size of a pebble they were all at different speeds as well.

How a whole race live on a planet that was constantly being bombarded by falling asteroids? Even if they could survive the small impacts easily the large ones were definitely able to trigger an extinction event for a society that didn't have basic tech.

"Mishca, are you sure we are picking up life signs from the planet?"

Her raised eyebrow at my question let me know how she felt about me questioning her analysis. So that was out. I looked around at the crew meeting I had called in the ships mess. Luckily we had a pretty big area for everyone to relax on their off time but also a table that fit everybody at it.

"Bara could we blow through it?"

"Well if we had about four more ships we would maybe have enough fire power to blow a hole for one ship. With what we have its not going to happen" Bara shook her head, she didn't like it when blowing things up wasn't the best option.

Mishca hesitantly raised her voice. "How are the Gar'un getting through if we can't even get in. They had to be using some kind of ship."

"Yeah Trev, if the pre-flight civs can fly through this mess why can't you?"

Laura was here as well as Dontar and she never let go of a chance to run Trev's nose in his failures. They had never gotten along. At her insinuation Trev's face went red. He was mad about his failure too.

"If you think I'm shit why don't you try and fly this hunk of junk?"

"How dare you, you son of a Bitch!"

Laura was out of her seat advancing on Trev wrench in hand ready to beat him to a bloody pulp for insulting the ship she worked so hard on. Trev wasn't backing down this time either. I needed to stop this before it went to far. They could sort out their problems when we weren't being chased by assassins. I gave a high pitched whistle to get their attention.

"Hey kids! Settle down, now!" Every one turned and I stared down Trev and Laura till they stopped glaring at each other or threatening violence. This was going to be hard enough to explain without

"There is something everyone needs to know. I think the Gar'un are being controlled by a Sith."

I watched everyones faces as that information sunk in. They all knew about my past in non specific terms. To everyone but Bara I had been a Jedi who fought in the Mandalorian Wars, then fought as a Sith, but then switched sides when I realized the error of my ways. It fit with who I was and explained the lightsaber and the reason I had forsaken the force.

"I know I should have told you but I wanted to have proof besides just a feeling in the back of my head"

Bara protested at that. "Tsornin we know that if your getting a gut feeling its always best to trust it."

I smiled. "Thanks for the support. But this does confirm what I thought. With enough power a Jedi or Sith could easily open a safe passage down to the planet."

Trev was looking dejected again. "Well Fuck, what are we supposed to do wait for these assholes to come out and play one at a time?"

I was about to answer when from behind me a hand grabbed my shoulder. I turned and saw Dontar pointing to the bridge.

"Lark, ship comes."

As Mishca ran to the bridge consul to read the alert that I could now beeping Trev just looked at me. "Me and my big damn mouth." Good thing Dontar was able to hear the alert while the rest of us bickered.

"There is an unidentified ship dropping out of light speed as we speak. He is recklessly close to us, no evasion at all, coming right for us."

At Mishca's words everybody was a flurry of movement. Bara and I jumped to the gun turrets on either side of the ship, Trev rushed to the pilots chair, Laura ran to her engine room and Dontar to the armory. In seconds we were locked and loaded ready for anything.

Mischa's voice came on the intercom. "Looks like a Republic A wing, and they are alone."

What is a small fighter like that doing out here? Maybe we were in luck and this guy just got lost somewhere as part of a convoy.

"This is Captain Tsornin of the Redemption, identify yourself or be blasted into your component molecules."

I was on a general Republic frequency I was sure this fighter could hear me. I could see the ship now. I raised my turret and targeted the approaching ship. An answering connection was finally on the frequency.

"Wow Beautiful, I know you hate it when I don't listen to you but destruction seems a bit harsh."

I stopped breathing. It couldn't be. It was my mind playing tricks on me, just as it had this morning with the vision.

"This is Carth Onasi requesting permission to dock."

I quickly turned the turret away. I had been seriously considering shooting him. If I shot him right now maybe that would save me heart break later. I had so many questions in my head. Thundering, tripping over each other to get out. But I needed to see him to ask. This meeting was not going to be broadcast to my whole crew. I went to the ship wide intercom.

"Dontar make sure the cargo bay has enough room for an A Wing and that it is clear for lock down to open the doors. Then get out of there. Everyone else stay exactly where you are. If I see you in the cargo bay I will shoot you myself."

I sincerely meant it. I unhooked myself the turret seat and went back through the tunnel to get to the main part of the ship. I was trying to control my breathing. Just as I got senses from the force about danger, now it was pounding against my head. A crossroads was approaching but I didn't what I was supposed to do. What was going on? Why did Carth matter to the force?

My mind was a haze of rushing questions and tortured thoughts. But one question rose to the forefront. Just one. As soon as that bastard got on my ship I would get some answers.

I waited at the entrance to the cargo bay, waiting for it to pressurize and get air back inside. There was a loud hiss and and a click of the round door being unlocked. I slid it open immediately to see the A wing on its landing gear starting to open. The cargo bay was sparse but large for this size of vessel but we often had missions where we needed a small re-con ship. Or were picking up something of similar size. The A wing almost took up every inch of space. I was actually surprised it fit. But Carth being such a good pilot it would have been no problem for him.

Damn him, damn him to hell. As he climbed out of the ship, quickly pulling himself down the ladder, I could see what he was wearing. He had that stupid orange jacket. The one I used to tease him about, the one that to me was just a part of Carth. I remember the smell of it the texture like it was yesterday instead of five years in the past.

Why did he have to look so good? Why did have to make me feel this way. As much as I loved that jacket on him I wanted to run to him and tear it off more. I wanted to get him as naked as the look he was giving me, standing at the base of the ladder just yards away, made me feel. Every cell in my body tingled as his gaze swept over me, a passion I been denying for so long sparked deep in my core. This wasn't Carth Onassi the War Hero or the Admiral of the Republic. The man in front of me was my Carth. The pilot, the scoundrel, the man who would do anything for me and I would die to protect. That half smile he was giving me now was unsure. He couldn't have any idea about its effect, just as he obviously didn't know how I was going to react. I had come into the cargo bay and just watched him with crossed arms just inside the door. I narrowed my eyes. Nothing this good happens to me was the only thing I could think.

"Why are you here?"

Carth finally smiled a real smile at that. As if remembering something funny. "Well two little birds told me you would be here so I hopped on a ship and here I am." He spread his arms out as if this answered the question.

"No" I frowned and as I did Carth's smile faded. "Thats how you got here. I will figure out which birds told you what later. Thats not what I wanted to know. Why? Why are you here?"

"You don't know." It wasn't a question. He let his statement fall like an anvil in the room. I guess he thought I should have known, was disappointed that I didn't. I seem to disappoint a lot of people eventually.

"Enlighten me."

He looked back at his ship as if he wished he could fly away now. But he should know I would not let him go with out an answer. He sighed and quietly, to himself almost, just said "Well, here goes nothing." When he looked back at me there was nothing but determination in his his face. His brows were set, his hands at his sides almost went into parade rest but then, as if realizing he was tensing up visibly tried to relax his posture. The pressure that had been building since I walked in the room heaved but I would not let my self budge from this spot on the floor. I would not run to him. I would not beg him to love me. Even if everything in my body, every instinct I had, and even the Force beat against me, I would not falter, I would be strong. He didn't want me.

"I am here because I spent the last five year regretting letting you walk out of my life."

"That was my choice to leave the Republic Carth, you couldn't have kept me there." I had left because I needed to destroy what had tainted the Mandalorians, what had tainted me. I couldn't let any one else destroy themselves because I was to much of a coward to leave.

Carth was shaking his head. "I sensed you wanted to leave. That you needed to. Because of that I didn't even put up a fight when you told me. I should have. I should have put a tracer on your ship and followed you. Or kept you in the brig till you agreed to let me come with you." Carth took a couple steps forward. He was only ten feet away at most now. I could see the lines of remembered anger on his face, whether at me or at himself I couldn't tell.

"You say that you have changed. I see that. You are more confident, almost as if you finally feel at home in your own skin. If its even possible you are actually more beautiful."

I laughed at that. "Well turns out when you are not trying to make yourself into the perfectly drab Jedi it leaves a lot left for self expression." Carth finally smiled at that.

"I can actually see your personality shinning thought, not covered by rules an regulations. They never fit you anyway."

Almost as if he was giving into the same steady pull I felt he crossed the distance between us slowly while he spoke again.

"But I also see the things I fell in love with. The way your smile lights up your eyes, that twisted sense of humor that, usually, comes out when we are running for our lives, the way you get angry when I make a good point," he smiled again, "I can see you getting mad right now."

He was right in front of me now. So close I could almost feel the heat radiating off of him. I knew once I was in his arms I would never be cold again. Once I just gave in I could finally have the peace and love I caved at night. I wanted his body over mine, his lips on my own, his strong hands exploring everywhere I yearned to be touched while my hands did the same. My arms were at my sides and I dug my fingernails into my palms to keep them from reaching out to him. All I could do was whisper.

"Your wrong."

His features were serious as he looked down at me. His eyes tracing the contours of my lips again. It was the same as the memory from the vision. It was a second chance at a moment that had slipped away. His hand came up and cupped my cheek, it was so warm. I wanted to close my eyes and savor the feel but I couldn't look away from Carth. I wanted to stare into those deep amber pools of eyes as long as I could.

"I'm right this time. You're the best person I know in all the ways that matter. And some times you can be wicked, and I like that too. You're a person just like the rest of us. A person that even though you have had different memories, you, the person you really are, hasn't actually changed. I love you Lark. You. The woman in my arms right now."

I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't move. He said my name. My name. Not some one else's, not another version of me, my name. Finally all I did was feel. I let go of the fear, of the insecurity, and the distrust. I finally let the wall I had built for half a decade come down and the full weight of my emotions hit me all at once. I loved him, I loved this man more then anything in the world. Carth's hand slipped through my hair and anchored there as he leaned down while his other hand went around my waist pulling me closer to him. I almost smiled, he was making sure this time I didn't get away.

Inches away he whispered. "I'm here because as it turns out I am selfish bastard too, and I will be damned if I ever let you go without a fight again."

I stopped waiting for him to kiss me I surged up on my toes and threw my arms around him as I kissed him. His arms tightened as his lips pressed against mine hard and insistent. We were almost frantic. His hand around my waist jerked me forward so my whole body was pressed against his hard chest. I moaned as his teeth teased my lower lip. As his lips made a trail of fire down my neck to my exposed collar bone I buried one hand in his hair and the other I used to start unzipping that hated orange jacket. It was keeping me from being able to feel everything I wanted.

When he noticed what I was trying to do he broke away from me for a second and threw off his jacket leaving only a tight light green shirt on his broad shoulders. He only paused for a second before capturing my mouth again. This time our hands didn't anchor they roamed. Everywhere I felt his hands I burned. But I wanted more. Objectively I knew this was quickly getting entirely out of hand but there was no way I was stopping.

My hands slipped under his shirt feeling the planes of muscle move under my palms. Carth groaned into my mouth as I dragged my finger nails down his back. He reached down and grabbed my ass and pulled me off my feet lifting me up and settling me with our hips right where we wanted to be. I felt exactly how much I was effecting him. A rather large part of him I noted, that fit against me perfectly. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him hard again. Both hands ran through his hair as I gently bit his lip and got another deep rumble of a groan from his throat.

We hit the wall then and he pushed up against me, one hand and his body weight keeping me firm against the wall. With his other hand he slowly, agonizingly slowly, slipped his hand under my shirt and cupped my aching breast. I gasped as he pushed aside my bra and rolled the nub of my nipple between his fingers. I ached my back into him, pressing my self against his fingers and he responded by pinching just a bit harder. My core was throbbing, aching for that same touch. I could feel the heat from in between us and it was driving me crazy. I managed just a few words.

"Naked, now." I panted into his ear as he kissed the spot on my neck where it met my shoulder and also just so happen to have the effect of making my toes curl and my eyes see stars. This, this is what I had been missing for the past five years.

"Yes Ma'am." His voice came out like a growl and was so full of passion and arousal I almost didn't want him to let me go long enough for us to get our clothes off. He set me down and we both reached for our prospective shirts about to pull them off as fast as we could. And that was when Bara came on the intercom.

"Hey you kids done yet? We still have some serious shit to deal with up here. Namely assassin's home worlds to try and get to." Well fuck. Carth and I both froze. She sounded annoyed. Probably because I had asked her not to spy on us.

Reality came crashing back down. We were almost about to have sex in the damn cargo bay. What in the hell? How distracted was I? I slowly started putting my shirt back to rights and he did the same. I didn't really want to but the rest of the crew was waiting for me to find a solution to a pretty tough issue. I looked at Carth and he smiled seeing my hesitation. His hand came up and he gave me a slow and searing kiss.

"I'm not going anywhere beautiful"

I laughed. A real laugh that was full of all the pent up emotions I had been holding back.

"Well thats good being as I'm not exactly about to let you leave."

He smiled, and for the first time in an extremely long time I was happy.


End file.
